Monday, October 15, 2007

Change is inevitable

Change is inevitable. No matter what you do in life, things are going to change. Whether they change for the worse or the better, it is really a matter of your frame of reference than a fact. It seems that the way you choose to look at things has a bigger impact on the surrounding situations than the truths that present themselves.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

The Dream

I keep having this dream. It is a dream that from all aspects seems impossible. I wish that impossible things were possible. I wish that dreams could come true. I wish that life did not have to be so difficult. I wish for the dream.

Monday, August 27, 2007

I'm A Big Girl

Please don't try to save me. Just tell me the truth. If you are walking away, then go ahead and do what you need to do, but don't try to give me shelter. I have been hurt before, and it appears I will be again. Don't try to sugar coat things. I have been to that place in life before.

I am a big girl. I know how to cry. I know how to pick up my pieces and walk with my head held high. I can fake being happy and smile for everyone around until I get my thoughts back together. I don't need someone to protect me from myself. In the end, no one can.

So go on and do what you need to do. But if walking away is what is best for you...then go...I have never wanted anything more for you than for you to be happy. I have never held onto anything that wanted to run. It is not my way.

I wish you joy, happiness...and all those good things in life that we can only hope one day to have in our lives.

I am a big girl...my heart gets broken...but I know I will survive.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Mi Vida Loca!

Mi Vida Loca! Life around here is crazy and very busy! I am a soon to be divorced woman with three absolutely awesome teens. My kids are my life. Without them, my world would be such an empty place. I am so thankful for the time I share with them. It can be hard, I am currently working two jobs to make the ends meet, but such is life.


I am...

smart, funny, loyal to my friends. I try hard to do the "right" thing, even when sometimes it is hard or gets me hurt. I am filled with courage, determination, and compassion...and I am stronger than I give myself credit for usually.

I love to cook and to make others happy. I absolutely hurt for others when they are going through rough times. It simply breaks my heart to watch someone I care about go through something painful and know there is nothing I can really do to help them or comfort them. I am not very good with those kinds of situations because I feel so utterly useless. If there is something I can "do" I am much better.

I tend to be hard on myself and work towards standards that I know are next to impossible for any mere mortal to attain. This is something I am working on though. I don't know how to simply relax. That is such a foreign concept for me. I keep a mile long to do list and am always racing to finish it. The problem is I keep adding more things to that list...so I fear it is an eternal list that will never totally get crossed off. Sometimes I even have several of them running at the same time. Yes, I do tire myself out.

I am NOT a morning person!

I am addicted to Starbucks!

I am simply in love with smell of vanilla candles and the taste of fresh strawberries dipped in whipped cream!

I love most all music.

I don't care for mean people.

I am not very patient. I tend to want things...HOT fresh and NOW...maybe I should have been a donut!

I usually forgive others rather quickly, but then beat myself up for the small things for ages.

I am super easily amused. Love to laugh. Hate to cry.

Obsessed with my weight--this is apparently a huge issue for me.

Panic attacks are usually a thing saved for bridges and my kids latest dramas. However, I do have them and trust me when I say...I wish I didn't. They are the most miserable things....

I get hurt and bruise easily, I do not have a thick skin I wish I did. I wish I did not get hurt or sad like I do. I am told that time will help me be stronger. I am not so sure about that. I wish I could be stronger within things. I wish I could have more faith in myself. It is not others I don't have faith in...it is me. I don't believe in myself. If something gets quiet or whatever...I tend to believe I am the reason for the silence...that I am the one that has done something wrong. Then I feel I have to "fix" it or say I am sorry or whatever...even though logically I know of nothing I actually did wrong. So out comes the over analyzing of all of my actions, thoughts, feelings, words...trying to figure out what I have said or done that made things the way they are. Yes, I am way too hard on me.

AND..I run away from myself. I don't trust myself to be good enough or wise enough or strong enough...so when I think I might get hurt...I have learned to run. Not that it is what I want to do, but because I am so afraid of getting hurt, of getting burned as I have before that I don't trust myself to know when things are safe. Fight or flight. I am not a fighter. I just want to be happy. I want to live and to love and to enjoy life.

Aren't you glad you asked?

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Do Over!

There are moments in my life I wish I could call for a do over. These moments are the ones in which I have hurt others or caused harm to someone I care about. Unfortunately, there are no do overs in life.

I wish I were not such an open book in so many aspects, too honest with my thoughts, too upfront with what I am thinking. I am going to work on that one. This seems to get me into more trouble than most anything else I do in life. I suppose I just need to learn how to shut up and close off those rooms in my being. Learn to keep my own thoughts to myself, without sharing them with anyone else. It seems that would be the better way in my life.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

TIMOTHY: I LOVE YOU! Please call me!

Tim,

You are and always be my angel. I love you with all of my heart. Please call me as soon as possible. I miss you. We will figure things out together. Please don't get yourself into any more trouble...just call me and we will fix things together. I LOVE YOU! There is nothing that you have done or could ever do that will change that. I LOVE YOU! Please call me. I am worried about you. I love you and I miss you and I need to know you are safe.

Please call me TJ.

Love Always,

Mama

Monday, August 20, 2007

Lessons Apparently Not Learned Well Enough

How can I manage to go through the life I have and still be so caring and so trusting of those around me? Why do I care about other people so much? I honestly should not care at all. When I care, I get hurt. When I trust, I get hurt. There is a common element here in all of this. I simply need to learn to close off the part of me that truly cares and wants to be a good person. I need to be more like everyone else and simply not give a darn.

I try way too hard to be a good person and in the end it just breaks my heart every time. I am depressed and frustrated and feeling pretty low tonight. And guess what...it is my own fault. In the end I have no one to blame but myself because I allowed myself to trust, to hope, to care, to feel....to try. I need to learn this lesson and just learn to not give a care anymore. Close off my heart and soul to the rest of the planet because this girl was never meant to be loved or cared about for more than a brief moment.

I say this knowing all too well that after a good long cry...I will go back to finding hope and faith regardless of how hard things are...how badly things look...because that is the me in it all. Am I simply someone that is destined to be miserable or other peoples walking door mat for life? Does my heart ever come into play for more than a dart board? I don't understand why I keep letting myself try. I need to simply stop. I need to quit. I need to give up. I need to abandon all hope of happiness so I can at least exist without pain...without hurt.

I just want to run away...away from everyone including myself....I truly wish I could.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Lessons

Some things in life are not learned the easy way. In life some things must be really engraved into your soul for you to learn them. Unfortunately, those things usually hurt your heart in the process. It is kind of like when my mom told me, don't touch that-it is hot. It will burn you. Of course, one day I decided to touch it anyhow...thinking I was smarter than mom. And then, I finally learned, don't touch it...it is hot, it will burn you. OUCH!

As a woman, I thought I had learned a few lessons the hard way already. I am finding that I still just have not quite learned those lessons. I still keep letting myself go where I have no business going. Feel things I obviously have no business feeling. Hoping for things that will never happen. OUCH! When oh when will I finally just give up on that path and learn the reality of things and how they are meant to be in my life?

My heart is in serious need of locks and metal doors that are incapable of being opened. Oh to be able to not care, to not feel right now would be exactly what I am needing. Why oh why do I have to feel? Why I let myself feel my pain as well as the pain of others around me is beyond my understanding at the moment. Why do I always seem to put other peoples needs above and beyond my own? Why do I continue to care about people who do not want or need me to care about them? Why do I so willingly put myself and my heart in a position to get so hurt...when others don't reciprocate?

Why do I care?
Why do I love?
Why do I keep trying?

When will I quit?
When will I learn to walk away and say that I need to matter too?
When will I learn?

How many times do I have to hurt so deeply before it all clicks with me and I quit trying?

Thursday, August 16, 2007

I am Thankful

I am thankful for you.
I am thankful for your voice on the other end of the line telling me you love me and want to come home. I am thankful that you are healthy and safe. I am thankful that you are trying.

I am thankful that you know I love you with all of my heart. I am thankful that you are my son. I am thankful for every single moment that I have had you in my life...the good times, as well as the difficult times.

I am thankful for you!

For You

For you I would be there when you need me,
for you, I would never walk away,
for you, I would always believe,
for you, I will always have faith not matter what others might say.

Times are hard and life is not easy,
only you can decide,
choices are yours for the making,
sometimes, I can only be along for the ride.

Believe in yourself and be wise,
go the extra mile,
your heart will guide you were you need to go,
your life is really worth while.

To my son, my life, my dreams...I love you with all that I am. I know that things will work out in the end. Believe in yourself and stay the course. You know what you need to do, you just need to put the pieces of the puzzle together and take action. As you figure things out, remember that you will always find a fan in me...good or bad, I love you unconditionally. You cannot lose your Mama's love my son. I might not always agree with your choices or actions, but I will always believe that the best is within you. I refuse to believe you won't take a stand for yourself...even if it takes you some time to figure things out, I know you will choose right in the end.

Forever your Mama--I love you!

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Angels on my team...

Those who enter into your life when things are hard and bring a smile to your face and hope into your heart...those people are truly sent by angels. Angels on my team, on my side. Smiling faces with strength and encouraging words. They fill a day with jokes and laughter when the day began with tears. They are giving and their friendship seems to know no boundaries...they are just there. Just when I needed them. They are truly angels on my team.

Thank you so much for being my friend! Your friendship means everything to me.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Learning

Sometimes in life you don't get what you want, you don't get what you think you need. Life seems to take twists and turns that really are so far from what had been dreamed of in the initial plan, let alone in the multiple revised editions. These are the times that you learn to be still and quiet and listen.

Listen to the voices deep within yourself. Listen to the voices of those around you that care. Listen to the voices of those around you who really don't. Listen to your heart. Then, you take a deep breath, and you take the next step. Begin a new journey, a new direction, and hope with everything that you are, that the journey will be a worthwhile one with positive and happy moments.

I have learned to recite the prayer of serenity and do so more than once daily. Things do get easier, sometimes...they get harder at the same time. I am learning that the walk is really what makes the difference. I am learning to accept myself for who and what I am, where I am going, and to respect whatever that is, without prejudice, without fear. I am learning to live again.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Don't Bring Me Roses

Don't bring me roses, they will only die. They represent a mask that is supposed to hide the truth behind the gesture...something that for most is considered a symbol of the most sweet things...love, friendship, care...for me roses are nothing but pain.

Don't waste your money on me...if you want me to know you love me...then show me. Be there for me. Listen to me. Spend time with me. I don't want your money. I don't want your sympathy. I want something true...I want something real. I want something honest and decent. If I cannot have that, then I want nothing at all. Don't make me promises in vain. They only hurt me in the end. I don't need that. I need something real...

Monday, June 11, 2007

A Whole New World

A few months have passed since my last blogging. So much has happened since that moment, it is hard to know how to even express the gravity of the change that is evolving daily within me. I have learned a great deal about myself. I have learned to be a whole lot more patient. I have learned that it is okay to be happy, and to let dishes sit in the sink for a little while without feeling guilty.


Lessons learned out of necessity, not because they were things ordered upon me or habits I created to try to make life seem less depressing or dry. Instead, learning to live in the here and now...not the past...not the future...but simply living right this second. WOW! What a concept. It is not easy for me to keep this mind set however. I still manage to panick and become overwhelmed at all the things I feel I should be doing. But when I sit back and think about it...so many of the things I worry about, really do not matter at the end of the day. In the end, I have spent a great deal of time stressing over things that no one else on the planet would likely even care about...yet I have such high expectations of myself...that there is no way I can win...at least not until I change.


I have managed to heal myself of several bad habits...I quit smoking, I have quit thinking badly of people just because I am having a bad day. Instead...I force myself to find something good about everyone...yes even the teen at the McDonalds drive through that does not appear to have a clue...there is something nice about her too! :) By doing this, I have found I am more patient and tolerant of others. I am more caring towards myself and forgiving of myself as well. WOW! What a concept there!

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

I Got A JOB!

I am so excited! I finally got a job! Now I can rent an apartment and bring my kids back to live with me. I know Mom and Dad will be glad to hear that and so will the kids. The job is in a call center - I have done this kind of work before, so I am not too worried about whether or not I can do it. I am more worried about being able to work 2 jobs, take care of the kids, the house, pay the bills, and move forward.

I have no idea where we are going from here, but at least we will be doing it together!

Saturday, April 28, 2007

The Day After

We stopped in Federal Way last night and got some sleep. Today we will be driving to Grants Pass to see my parents. I hope they are not too disappointed in me for leaving. Failed marriage number 2 for me. Maybe I am not supposed to be married. Maybe I am just not marriage material. I am just a failure. Why couldn't I stop him from drinking? Why do I have to leave? Why am I not good enough anymore?

I am taking the kids to stay wit my Mom and Dad while I find a job. I will miss them, but I don't know where I will be sleeping and I don't want to make them homeless as well. They don't deserve this. I don't have a job. I don't have a place to sleep until I do have a job. What in the world am I going to do?

Friday, April 27, 2007

A Day for Freedom

Today I am leaving. The house has been packed. His stuff is heading to Kentucky. Mine is heading to Seattle. We have said our goodbyes. Now it is time to finish up a few last things around the rental before the kids and I drive away. This is so hard. I keep asking myself if I am making the right decision. I am so worried about him. I want to know he will be alright. Who will take care of him? Who will help him put everything back together. I have to remember that he needs to be taking care of himself. I have to remind myself that it was never supposed to be my job to take care of him. I have to keep reminding myself that each human being has a responsibility to take care of themselves. Why does this have to be so hard?

I don't want to leave. I don't want to stay and let things continue the way they are. I want him to stop drinking and be the man I married so many years ago. Why can't he just quit drinking? Why can't he agree to get help? Why does he refuse to quit even to keep me? Doesn't he care? Oh this is so hard. My heart is breaking.

A few more hours, and we will leave. Time to suck it up and stick to my plan. This is not time to back out now. Keep walking forward, don't look back.

Monday, March 26, 2007

The Beginning of a Journey

I started a new job today. It is with a temp agency, so the assignment is temporary. However, it is a good job for me to begin to walk the beginning of this journey. So many new things are happening in my life currently, yet so much of the old is still present, and painful. I am told things take time to heal.

I believe the hardest thing for me to overcome is the fear of the unknown and the battle within myself. I am learning more and more each day that I have forgotten who I am. Forgotten how to laugh, how to smile, how to be happy. I don't know what things truly make me happy anymore. So this journey, more than anything has to focus on finding myself within all of this and remembering to live in the moment, not in the past, and not in the future. Just in the here and now.

So here begins the first stages to a recovery. To finding myself. May this journey be a happy one.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

A Little Too Little Too Late

It is too late to show me that you love me. It is too late to change things. I am glad that you are making positive changes in your life. This will be good for you. This will be good for the kids. I hope that the changes you are making will enable you to live a better and happier life. But it is too late for things to change between us.

I remember begging you to be home. I begged for your attention. I begged for your time. I begged for you to want to spend time with me. I did not seem to ever matter. You never had time for me. I was insignificant for years. I was not important. Talking to me was too stressful. Loving me was too much work. Spending time with me kept you from other things that were too important to wait.

I need to matter. Even if only to myself.
I need to not feel as though I am a waste of time and space.
I need to not feel as though I am an awful inconvenience in life.
I need to feel important. Again, if only to myself, I need this.
I need my opinions to matter.
I need to feel free to have fun.
I need to feel happiness.
I need to not feel trapped in limbo, waiting for the moment that I might be needed or wanted.
I need to not be stressed out all the time.
I need to be able to feel secure in my world.
I need to not worry about whether or not I have said or done the wrong thing yet again.
I need to find myself and learn how to be true to myself.
I need to stop trying to change who and what I am to make someone else happy.

Life is too precious and too short to spend the entire time trying in vain to please someone else for years yet never be able to be happy myself. I can't keep trying. I am all out of the energy it takes to try anymore. I am all out of patience. My virtual bank account has been overdrawn for a very, very long time. I need to find a way to replenish it and live again. I need to be free. Free to just be me.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

In The End

Why? Does it really matter why at this point? I said what I needed to say. This is the end. Is asking over and over why going to make things better or change the way in which the planets orbit within the galaxy? In the end, it is done. Leave me to find myself and some peace in all of this. Quit trying to rewrite my reasons or argue points from several years ago -they really don't matter anymore.

Do I still love you? Does it matter? It's over.

Do I still care? I told you I do, but not in that way anymore. Of course I care. That is why I am walking away. Neither of us deserve to continue this way.

I will regret this decision. Well, possibly, but I have made my decision. Now, please find a way to accept it and move on with your life. You will be fine. I need to be fine too. This just is not working. It has not been working in a long, long time.

I'll be sorry. Yes, I already am. But not in the way you think.

I'm destroying everything. No, we did that. Now I just want to pick up the little bit of self respect I have left and find some way to put myself back together. Your anger does not help me nor does it help you. Move on. Be happy. I do truly hope you can be happy. You were not happy with me.

You are the reason I live. Please go to counseling or something. I should not be the reason you breathe. Live because you have been given the gift of life. There is more to life than a broken relationship. Move on and find happiness within yourself.

You must have found someone else-that is the only reason you would leave me. Nope. Sorry you have such little respect for me. Why blame someone else for what has gone wrong. Please understand, please let me go.

You can't make it on your own. Imagine that. I am incapable of supporting myself? What am I stupid? Am I lazy? Am I mentally challenged? I have been able to make good money in the past. I do have skills. I am a hardworker and have good values. Why am I incapable of supporting myself. Is there something wrong with me? I don't think so. But go ahead and inspire me to prove you wrong. I always love a challenge.

The kids will end up hating you for this. Nice. Thanks for that. I have always been there for the kids. Why would they hate me for trying to be happy? I am not keeping them from seeing you. I am not poisoning their mind against you. Leave the kids out of this, play fair. I am not trying to hurt anyone. I just want to find peace in a very sad situation. Don't do that. It just is not right on so many levels.

You'll never find someone that treats me as good as I have. Perhaps. But who said I ever wanted to be with anyone ever again. Let it go. It is what it is. In the end, I can't do this anymore. Just let me go. Please get over it.

After all I have done for you, this is the way you repay me. Hmmm, I did not know I had a debt to repay. I did not know that love was about keeping score. I did not know that in the end I would need to pay on an account. Was all of this a loan? Love is about give and take. I believe I gave an awful lot. Things just are not working. I'm not going to rehash this.

In the end, its over. The decision has been made. Changes are taking place. Please don't keep trying to make me feel bad. I feel bad enough. Please find some way to save what friendship we have left. I would like to be friends. I don't want to hurt forever. You are only making me have more bad feelings towards you. Play fair please.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

What Part of No Don't You Understand

I am simply amazed at how such a simple word, with such a simple meaning can be so confusing. The word does not carry double means, tends to mean the same thing in multiple languages. Even young children learn the meaning of the word NO and that pushing the issue is not a good thing. So why is it, that I feel as though I have to learn some other language or write a book to explain the word and all that it means? Simply put, no means just that. Nothing else. Don't take any of my time to try to find hidden meanings. No, I am not playing a game. No means no. Don't ask again. Don't try to change my mind. The answer is NO!

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Call Me When You're Sober



I am so tired of the drunk dialed calls.
I am simply exhausted from making excuses for you.
I am tired of living simply to make your world work.
I need to live for me.
I need to exist as more than your fix it person.
I need to be important.
I need to not be afraid.
I need to be loved.
I need to be needed for me, not for my ability to clean up your messes.

I am better than this.
I deserve more.
I want to live.
I am tired of hiding to protect you.

Call me when you are sober...if you ever find your way out of the bottle. I can't wait anymore.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Moving Forward

Creating a life agenda when all the pieces seem to be misplaced and jumbled around the house seems overwhelming for me. Yet I am moving forward. A housewife for years, only a few marketable skills...the resume is short, hopefully effective. I tested at a local staffing agency, my skills are of good quality-something I was happy to hear.

Self esteem is not always where it should be in times such as these. This little piece of information was able to spring in me a feeling of hope -- hope I have not known in a long time.

So now I wait. Hoping for the call that says I am good enough to enter the workforce...able to move forward. Waiting on someone else in life to open a door for me at a time when I want so badly to open all the doors for myself, I must sit and wait for others to make the path for me.

Patience is a virtue, but I feel as though I have been waiting for things my whole life. I am ready to move forward and take ownership for myself...for my own happiness.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Sorting Through My Life

In becoming clutter & Chaos free, it has been a long road thus far. I started with decluttering "things" that were keeping the household cluttered. Once I had that part under control, I moved to decluttering and organizing all of the paper items in my life that seemed to stack up and become unbearably frightening. I am nearly complete in that particular challenge. Those Clutter & Chaos items seem like nothing compared to trying to find organization in my every day life.

For the past several years, I have challenged myself to try harder, to work harder, to give more of myself, and to get it together. Then it dawned on me. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I give of myself, some things simply are beyond my control...or at least only to an extent. I can choose to remain stressed and unhappy, living the life I am living....or I can push forward into the unknown and create a new life for myself that is one of my choosing. One of peace and harmony. One of happiness and laughter.

Fear of the unknown is an overwhelming and can be potentially disabling, or at least it has been for me. Taking the steps needed to get past the fears and the every day traps of life is a fear that has kept me paralyzed in place, afraid to change, afraid to hope, afraid to dream. But somehow, I continued to hope, dream, and want. The difference happens, when the hopes, dreams, and desire outweigh the fear, and empowerment takes over. This is where I am currently standing. In the void between two completely different worlds. The one I am leaving, and the one I am slowly walking towards.

Many emotions fill my thoughts as I begin making these steps. Fear, excitement, anticipation of things to come. One thing is for sure, I am slowly but surely starting to walk towards the lighthouse that has always been there. Waiting. Things will be different. But for now, the differences are yet to be written. Only time and patience will tell what awaits me on the other side. I hope it is the stuff my dreams have been made of.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Taking a Personal Inventory

Things that make me Happy
  • My children's laughter
  • A hug from my children
  • Hearing those precious, perfectly wonderful words, "I love you Mom"
  • Flowers (daisies, Gerber daisies, field flowers or wild flowers)
  • Birds and their songs
  • Stories of inspiration and motivation
  • Selfless acts & Human Kindness
  • The beach
  • Lighthouses
  • Old movies
  • A fire
  • Waking up to the sun peering through my bedroom window
  • A clean house
  • Reading books
  • Making stuff, creating, being creative
  • Accomplishing something very challenging
  • Smells of vanilla, cinnamon, and strawberries

My description of a fun day

A fun day for me would not involve spending a great deal of money. Instead, a picnic at the beach, visiting a lighthouse, flying a kite, walking in the sand barefoot, playing in the waves, watching the sun set above the water, exploring artisans or street vendors goods.

The simple things in life seem to be much more appealing to me rather than the things that cost money like going out to an expensive restaurant or movie. The simple things seem to be more satisfying in the end for me.

I want to be...

  • Happy
  • At peace
  • Calm
  • Relaxed
  • On time
  • Organized
  • Helpful, yet not a door mat
  • Liked
  • A friend
  • Known/remembered in a good way
  • Active
  • Challenged
  • Busy, yet have time for balance, relaxation, and reflection
  • Involved in good works -- doing for others
  • Successful
  • Financially comfortable, but not wealthy! Just comfortable. I don't want to worry about making rent or buying the groceries, but I don't want to have much more than my needs---just enough to occasionally fulfill a want for a loved one or even myself.

I Don't Wanna be...

  • Sad
  • Angry
  • Depressed
  • Tired all the time
  • Flat broke
  • Negative
  • Boring
  • Predictable
  • Hated
  • Stuck at home
  • A failure
  • Friendless
  • Uncreative
  • Uninspired
  • Disliked
  • Ordinary
  • Lifeless
  • Lonely
  • Controlled
  • Scared
  • Stuck living in the past
  • Afraid to live

Living With A Full Heart

In reading this passage from the internet, I found myself. I realized that this was talking about me. I go through the motions, but I am not "there". I need to move forward and take care of me. I can't keep living like this. It is time to let go....but I don't want to leave. I love him. I hate that he can't just quit drinking. I hate that I have to choose. This is so unfair.

When one is too hurt one cannot see others' pain, is too blind with one's own.
When one has many weights to lift, one cannot enjoy life.
When one has many expectations, one cannot be patient with others.
When one has fear, one cannot enjoy life.
When one does not give, one is making the heart lonely.
When one does not take, one is making the heart feel inferior
When one does not hope, one is shutting oneself into a tight closet.
But when one does not love, one is killing one's self.
(written by 12-year old Olivia, Berkeley, California, 2/12/02)

Monday, January 22, 2007

Job Hunting Blues

It is early in the morning and the rest of the house is still asleep. I have been up job hunting for a few hours already. I guess my hope is that if my resume is received super early in the morning, that it will be one of the first an HR Manager will open today. I know it sounds crazy, but it might work...right?

As I submit all of these resumes and applications, life seems hopeless at times. So many resumes have been submitted, yet I have not received any replies. I know it takes time to have someone offer you an interview, but this process is so scary for me.

I know I need to find a job so the children and I can be okay. I need to be able to support us. Rent here in Spokane is so expensive. I am just hoping I am making the right decision. What if I am not strong enough, smart enough...to be able to manage things on my own. What if I fail? How will I be able to take care of the kids on my own?

Well, here's hoping I will find something soon! I am off to submit more resumes and to call the temp agencies to set up an appointment.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Random Quotes

I found these quotes while reading online about marriage, love, alcoholism, relationships, and divorce. I wish life did not need to be so complicated. I don't want to have to make these choices. This is too hard!

How empty of me, To be so full of him
- Janet Jackson

"It is not in the stars to hold our destiny, but in ourselves"
- Shakespeare

Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage
- Dr. Karl Bowman

You love me so much, You want to put me in your pocket. And I should die there smothered. - D.H. Lawrence

Indulge no more may we
In this sweet-bitter pastime
The love light shines the last time
Between you, Dear, and me.

Though fervent was our vow
Though ruddily ran our pleasure
Bliss has fulfilled its measure
And sees its sentence now.

Ache deep; but make no moans:
Smile out; but stilly suffer:
The paths of love are rougher
Than thoroughfares of stones.

- Thomas Hardy (1840-1928)

After A While

I found this while looking for answers and decided to share it here with appropriate attributes to the author. This has really touched me a lot and I read it often. It helps keep me focused and remember that I did not choose this by myself.

I have to move forward to protect myself and my children.
I must move forward to stop enabling him.
I must learn to simply be me without living to protect him from himself.
I deserve to exist as an individual, not as simply an extension of him.
I deserve to be safe.
I deserve to live in an alcohol and drug-free environment.
I deserve to be happy again.

After A While

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn ...

-Veronica A. Shoffstall

**If you have a loved one that is addicted to alcohol, please help them get help. In the process, please remember that you are also important. Get help for yourself and leave if you must to make it happen. You are not responsible for the choices that another person makes. You can only be responsible for your own choices.

I am still trying to take that step. I can only hope I will be strong enough to talk away. My children and I deserve to be able to live without fear.