Monday, October 15, 2007
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
I am a big girl. I know how to cry. I know how to pick up my pieces and walk with my head held high. I can fake being happy and smile for everyone around until I get my thoughts back together. I don't need someone to protect me from myself. In the end, no one can.
So go on and do what you need to do. But if walking away is what is best for you...then go...I have never wanted anything more for you than for you to be happy. I have never held onto anything that wanted to run. It is not my way.
I wish you joy, happiness...and all those good things in life that we can only hope one day to have in our lives.
I am a big girl...my heart gets broken...but I know I will survive.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
smart, funny, loyal to my friends. I try hard to do the "right" thing, even when sometimes it is hard or gets me hurt. I am filled with courage, determination, and compassion...and I am stronger than I give myself credit for usually.
I love to cook and to make others happy. I absolutely hurt for others when they are going through rough times. It simply breaks my heart to watch someone I care about go through something painful and know there is nothing I can really do to help them or comfort them. I am not very good with those kinds of situations because I feel so utterly useless. If there is something I can "do" I am much better.
I tend to be hard on myself and work towards standards that I know are next to impossible for any mere mortal to attain. This is something I am working on though. I don't know how to simply relax. That is such a foreign concept for me. I keep a mile long to do list and am always racing to finish it. The problem is I keep adding more things to that list...so I fear it is an eternal list that will never totally get crossed off. Sometimes I even have several of them running at the same time. Yes, I do tire myself out.
I am NOT a morning person!
I am addicted to Starbucks!
I am simply in love with smell of vanilla candles and the taste of fresh strawberries dipped in whipped cream!
I love most all music.
I don't care for mean people.
I am not very patient. I tend to want things...HOT fresh and NOW...maybe I should have been a donut!
I usually forgive others rather quickly, but then beat myself up for the small things for ages.
I am super easily amused. Love to laugh. Hate to cry.
Obsessed with my weight--this is apparently a huge issue for me.
Panic attacks are usually a thing saved for bridges and my kids latest dramas. However, I do have them and trust me when I say...I wish I didn't. They are the most miserable things....
I get hurt and bruise easily, I do not have a thick skin I wish I did. I wish I did not get hurt or sad like I do. I am told that time will help me be stronger. I am not so sure about that. I wish I could be stronger within things. I wish I could have more faith in myself. It is not others I don't have faith in...it is me. I don't believe in myself. If something gets quiet or whatever...I tend to believe I am the reason for the silence...that I am the one that has done something wrong. Then I feel I have to "fix" it or say I am sorry or whatever...even though logically I know of nothing I actually did wrong. So out comes the over analyzing of all of my actions, thoughts, feelings, words...trying to figure out what I have said or done that made things the way they are. Yes, I am way too hard on me.
AND..I run away from myself. I don't trust myself to be good enough or wise enough or strong enough...so when I think I might get hurt...I have learned to run. Not that it is what I want to do, but because I am so afraid of getting hurt, of getting burned as I have before that I don't trust myself to know when things are safe. Fight or flight. I am not a fighter. I just want to be happy. I want to live and to love and to enjoy life.
Aren't you glad you asked?
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
I wish I were not such an open book in so many aspects, too honest with my thoughts, too upfront with what I am thinking. I am going to work on that one. This seems to get me into more trouble than most anything else I do in life. I suppose I just need to learn how to shut up and close off those rooms in my being. Learn to keep my own thoughts to myself, without sharing them with anyone else. It seems that would be the better way in my life.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
You are and always be my angel. I love you with all of my heart. Please call me as soon as possible. I miss you. We will figure things out together. Please don't get yourself into any more trouble...just call me and we will fix things together. I LOVE YOU! There is nothing that you have done or could ever do that will change that. I LOVE YOU! Please call me. I am worried about you. I love you and I miss you and I need to know you are safe.
Please call me TJ.
Monday, August 20, 2007
I try way too hard to be a good person and in the end it just breaks my heart every time. I am depressed and frustrated and feeling pretty low tonight. And guess what...it is my own fault. In the end I have no one to blame but myself because I allowed myself to trust, to hope, to care, to feel....to try. I need to learn this lesson and just learn to not give a care anymore. Close off my heart and soul to the rest of the planet because this girl was never meant to be loved or cared about for more than a brief moment.
I say this knowing all too well that after a good long cry...I will go back to finding hope and faith regardless of how hard things are...how badly things look...because that is the me in it all. Am I simply someone that is destined to be miserable or other peoples walking door mat for life? Does my heart ever come into play for more than a dart board? I don't understand why I keep letting myself try. I need to simply stop. I need to quit. I need to give up. I need to abandon all hope of happiness so I can at least exist without pain...without hurt.
I just want to run away...away from everyone including myself....I truly wish I could.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
As a woman, I thought I had learned a few lessons the hard way already. I am finding that I still just have not quite learned those lessons. I still keep letting myself go where I have no business going. Feel things I obviously have no business feeling. Hoping for things that will never happen. OUCH! When oh when will I finally just give up on that path and learn the reality of things and how they are meant to be in my life?
My heart is in serious need of locks and metal doors that are incapable of being opened. Oh to be able to not care, to not feel right now would be exactly what I am needing. Why oh why do I have to feel? Why I let myself feel my pain as well as the pain of others around me is beyond my understanding at the moment. Why do I always seem to put other peoples needs above and beyond my own? Why do I continue to care about people who do not want or need me to care about them? Why do I so willingly put myself and my heart in a position to get so hurt...when others don't reciprocate?
Why do I care?
Why do I love?
Why do I keep trying?
When will I quit?
When will I learn to walk away and say that I need to matter too?
When will I learn?
How many times do I have to hurt so deeply before it all clicks with me and I quit trying?
Thursday, August 16, 2007
I am thankful for your voice on the other end of the line telling me you love me and want to come home. I am thankful that you are healthy and safe. I am thankful that you are trying.
I am thankful that you know I love you with all of my heart. I am thankful that you are my son. I am thankful for every single moment that I have had you in my life...the good times, as well as the difficult times.
I am thankful for you!
for you, I would never walk away,
for you, I would always believe,
for you, I will always have faith not matter what others might say.
Times are hard and life is not easy,
only you can decide,
choices are yours for the making,
sometimes, I can only be along for the ride.
Believe in yourself and be wise,
go the extra mile,
your heart will guide you were you need to go,
your life is really worth while.
To my son, my life, my dreams...I love you with all that I am. I know that things will work out in the end. Believe in yourself and stay the course. You know what you need to do, you just need to put the pieces of the puzzle together and take action. As you figure things out, remember that you will always find a fan in me...good or bad, I love you unconditionally. You cannot lose your Mama's love my son. I might not always agree with your choices or actions, but I will always believe that the best is within you. I refuse to believe you won't take a stand for yourself...even if it takes you some time to figure things out, I know you will choose right in the end.
Forever your Mama--I love you!
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Thank you so much for being my friend! Your friendship means everything to me.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Listen to the voices deep within yourself. Listen to the voices of those around you that care. Listen to the voices of those around you who really don't. Listen to your heart. Then, you take a deep breath, and you take the next step. Begin a new journey, a new direction, and hope with everything that you are, that the journey will be a worthwhile one with positive and happy moments.
I have learned to recite the prayer of serenity and do so more than once daily. Things do get easier, sometimes...they get harder at the same time. I am learning that the walk is really what makes the difference. I am learning to accept myself for who and what I am, where I am going, and to respect whatever that is, without prejudice, without fear. I am learning to live again.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Don't waste your money on me...if you want me to know you love me...then show me. Be there for me. Listen to me. Spend time with me. I don't want your money. I don't want your sympathy. I want something true...I want something real. I want something honest and decent. If I cannot have that, then I want nothing at all. Don't make me promises in vain. They only hurt me in the end. I don't need that. I need something real...
Monday, June 11, 2007
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
I have no idea where we are going from here, but at least we will be doing it together!
Saturday, April 28, 2007
I am taking the kids to stay wit my Mom and Dad while I find a job. I will miss them, but I don't know where I will be sleeping and I don't want to make them homeless as well. They don't deserve this. I don't have a job. I don't have a place to sleep until I do have a job. What in the world am I going to do?
Friday, April 27, 2007
I don't want to leave. I don't want to stay and let things continue the way they are. I want him to stop drinking and be the man I married so many years ago. Why can't he just quit drinking? Why can't he agree to get help? Why does he refuse to quit even to keep me? Doesn't he care? Oh this is so hard. My heart is breaking.
A few more hours, and we will leave. Time to suck it up and stick to my plan. This is not time to back out now. Keep walking forward, don't look back.
Monday, March 26, 2007
I believe the hardest thing for me to overcome is the fear of the unknown and the battle within myself. I am learning more and more each day that I have forgotten who I am. Forgotten how to laugh, how to smile, how to be happy. I don't know what things truly make me happy anymore. So this journey, more than anything has to focus on finding myself within all of this and remembering to live in the moment, not in the past, and not in the future. Just in the here and now.
So here begins the first stages to a recovery. To finding myself. May this journey be a happy one.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
I remember begging you to be home. I begged for your attention. I begged for your time. I begged for you to want to spend time with me. I did not seem to ever matter. You never had time for me. I was insignificant for years. I was not important. Talking to me was too stressful. Loving me was too much work. Spending time with me kept you from other things that were too important to wait.
I need to matter. Even if only to myself.
I need to not feel as though I am a waste of time and space.
I need to not feel as though I am an awful inconvenience in life.
I need to feel important. Again, if only to myself, I need this.
I need my opinions to matter.
I need to feel free to have fun.
I need to feel happiness.
I need to not feel trapped in limbo, waiting for the moment that I might be needed or wanted.
I need to not be stressed out all the time.
I need to be able to feel secure in my world.
I need to not worry about whether or not I have said or done the wrong thing yet again.
I need to find myself and learn how to be true to myself.
I need to stop trying to change who and what I am to make someone else happy.
Life is too precious and too short to spend the entire time trying in vain to please someone else for years yet never be able to be happy myself. I can't keep trying. I am all out of the energy it takes to try anymore. I am all out of patience. My virtual bank account has been overdrawn for a very, very long time. I need to find a way to replenish it and live again. I need to be free. Free to just be me.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Do I still love you? Does it matter? It's over.
Do I still care? I told you I do, but not in that way anymore. Of course I care. That is why I am walking away. Neither of us deserve to continue this way.
I will regret this decision. Well, possibly, but I have made my decision. Now, please find a way to accept it and move on with your life. You will be fine. I need to be fine too. This just is not working. It has not been working in a long, long time.
I'll be sorry. Yes, I already am. But not in the way you think.
I'm destroying everything. No, we did that. Now I just want to pick up the little bit of self respect I have left and find some way to put myself back together. Your anger does not help me nor does it help you. Move on. Be happy. I do truly hope you can be happy. You were not happy with me.
You are the reason I live. Please go to counseling or something. I should not be the reason you breathe. Live because you have been given the gift of life. There is more to life than a broken relationship. Move on and find happiness within yourself.
You must have found someone else-that is the only reason you would leave me. Nope. Sorry you have such little respect for me. Why blame someone else for what has gone wrong. Please understand, please let me go.
You can't make it on your own. Imagine that. I am incapable of supporting myself? What am I stupid? Am I lazy? Am I mentally challenged? I have been able to make good money in the past. I do have skills. I am a hardworker and have good values. Why am I incapable of supporting myself. Is there something wrong with me? I don't think so. But go ahead and inspire me to prove you wrong. I always love a challenge.
The kids will end up hating you for this. Nice. Thanks for that. I have always been there for the kids. Why would they hate me for trying to be happy? I am not keeping them from seeing you. I am not poisoning their mind against you. Leave the kids out of this, play fair. I am not trying to hurt anyone. I just want to find peace in a very sad situation. Don't do that. It just is not right on so many levels.
You'll never find someone that treats me as good as I have. Perhaps. But who said I ever wanted to be with anyone ever again. Let it go. It is what it is. In the end, I can't do this anymore. Just let me go. Please get over it.
After all I have done for you, this is the way you repay me. Hmmm, I did not know I had a debt to repay. I did not know that love was about keeping score. I did not know that in the end I would need to pay on an account. Was all of this a loan? Love is about give and take. I believe I gave an awful lot. Things just are not working. I'm not going to rehash this.
In the end, its over. The decision has been made. Changes are taking place. Please don't keep trying to make me feel bad. I feel bad enough. Please find some way to save what friendship we have left. I would like to be friends. I don't want to hurt forever. You are only making me have more bad feelings towards you. Play fair please.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
I am so tired of the drunk dialed calls.
I am simply exhausted from making excuses for you.
I am tired of living simply to make your world work.
I need to live for me.
I need to exist as more than your fix it person.
I need to be important.
I need to not be afraid.
I need to be loved.
I need to be needed for me, not for my ability to clean up your messes.
I am better than this.
I deserve more.
I want to live.
I am tired of hiding to protect you.
Call me when you are sober...if you ever find your way out of the bottle. I can't wait anymore.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Self esteem is not always where it should be in times such as these. This little piece of information was able to spring in me a feeling of hope -- hope I have not known in a long time.
So now I wait. Hoping for the call that says I am good enough to enter the workforce...able to move forward. Waiting on someone else in life to open a door for me at a time when I want so badly to open all the doors for myself, I must sit and wait for others to make the path for me.
Patience is a virtue, but I feel as though I have been waiting for things my whole life. I am ready to move forward and take ownership for myself...for my own happiness.
Monday, February 12, 2007
For the past several years, I have challenged myself to try harder, to work harder, to give more of myself, and to get it together. Then it dawned on me. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I give of myself, some things simply are beyond my control...or at least only to an extent. I can choose to remain stressed and unhappy, living the life I am living....or I can push forward into the unknown and create a new life for myself that is one of my choosing. One of peace and harmony. One of happiness and laughter.
Fear of the unknown is an overwhelming and can be potentially disabling, or at least it has been for me. Taking the steps needed to get past the fears and the every day traps of life is a fear that has kept me paralyzed in place, afraid to change, afraid to hope, afraid to dream. But somehow, I continued to hope, dream, and want. The difference happens, when the hopes, dreams, and desire outweigh the fear, and empowerment takes over. This is where I am currently standing. In the void between two completely different worlds. The one I am leaving, and the one I am slowly walking towards.
Many emotions fill my thoughts as I begin making these steps. Fear, excitement, anticipation of things to come. One thing is for sure, I am slowly but surely starting to walk towards the lighthouse that has always been there. Waiting. Things will be different. But for now, the differences are yet to be written. Only time and patience will tell what awaits me on the other side. I hope it is the stuff my dreams have been made of.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
- My children's laughter
- A hug from my children
- Hearing those precious, perfectly wonderful words, "I love you Mom"
- Flowers (daisies, Gerber daisies, field flowers or wild flowers)
- Birds and their songs
- Stories of inspiration and motivation
- Selfless acts & Human Kindness
- The beach
- Old movies
- A fire
- Waking up to the sun peering through my bedroom window
- A clean house
- Reading books
- Making stuff, creating, being creative
- Accomplishing something very challenging
- Smells of vanilla, cinnamon, and strawberries
My description of a fun day
A fun day for me would not involve spending a great deal of money. Instead, a picnic at the beach, visiting a lighthouse, flying a kite, walking in the sand barefoot, playing in the waves, watching the sun set above the water, exploring artisans or street vendors goods.
The simple things in life seem to be much more appealing to me rather than the things that cost money like going out to an expensive restaurant or movie. The simple things seem to be more satisfying in the end for me.
I want to be...
- At peace
- On time
- Helpful, yet not a door mat
- A friend
- Known/remembered in a good way
- Busy, yet have time for balance, relaxation, and reflection
- Involved in good works -- doing for others
- Financially comfortable, but not wealthy! Just comfortable. I don't want to worry about making rent or buying the groceries, but I don't want to have much more than my needs---just enough to occasionally fulfill a want for a loved one or even myself.
I Don't Wanna be...
- Tired all the time
- Flat broke
- Stuck at home
- A failure
- Stuck living in the past
- Afraid to live
When one is too hurt one cannot see others' pain, is too blind with one's own.
When one has many weights to lift, one cannot enjoy life.
When one has many expectations, one cannot be patient with others.
When one has fear, one cannot enjoy life.
When one does not give, one is making the heart lonely.
When one does not take, one is making the heart feel inferior
When one does not hope, one is shutting oneself into a tight closet.
But when one does not love, one is killing one's self.
(written by 12-year old Olivia, Berkeley, California, 2/12/02)
Monday, January 22, 2007
As I submit all of these resumes and applications, life seems hopeless at times. So many resumes have been submitted, yet I have not received any replies. I know it takes time to have someone offer you an interview, but this process is so scary for me.
I know I need to find a job so the children and I can be okay. I need to be able to support us. Rent here in Spokane is so expensive. I am just hoping I am making the right decision. What if I am not strong enough, smart enough...to be able to manage things on my own. What if I fail? How will I be able to take care of the kids on my own?
Well, here's hoping I will find something soon! I am off to submit more resumes and to call the temp agencies to set up an appointment.
Friday, January 12, 2007
How empty of me, To be so full of him
- Janet Jackson
"It is not in the stars to hold our destiny, but in ourselves"
Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage
- Dr. Karl Bowman
You love me so much, You want to put me in your pocket. And I should die there smothered. - D.H. Lawrence
Indulge no more may we
In this sweet-bitter pastime
The love light shines the last time
Between you, Dear, and me.
Though fervent was our vow
Though ruddily ran our pleasure
Bliss has fulfilled its measure
And sees its sentence now.
Ache deep; but make no moans:
Smile out; but stilly suffer:
The paths of love are rougher
Than thoroughfares of stones.
- Thomas Hardy (1840-1928)
I have to move forward to protect myself and my children.
I must move forward to stop enabling him.
I must learn to simply be me without living to protect him from himself.
I deserve to exist as an individual, not as simply an extension of him.
I deserve to be safe.
I deserve to live in an alcohol and drug-free environment.
I deserve to be happy again.
After A While
After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn ...
-Veronica A. Shoffstall
**If you have a loved one that is addicted to alcohol, please help them get help. In the process, please remember that you are also important. Get help for yourself and leave if you must to make it happen. You are not responsible for the choices that another person makes. You can only be responsible for your own choices.
I am still trying to take that step. I can only hope I will be strong enough to talk away. My children and I deserve to be able to live without fear.