Thursday, February 15, 2007

Moving Forward

Creating a life agenda when all the pieces seem to be misplaced and jumbled around the house seems overwhelming for me. Yet I am moving forward. A housewife for years, only a few marketable skills...the resume is short, hopefully effective. I tested at a local staffing agency, my skills are of good quality-something I was happy to hear.

Self esteem is not always where it should be in times such as these. This little piece of information was able to spring in me a feeling of hope -- hope I have not known in a long time.

So now I wait. Hoping for the call that says I am good enough to enter the to move forward. Waiting on someone else in life to open a door for me at a time when I want so badly to open all the doors for myself, I must sit and wait for others to make the path for me.

Patience is a virtue, but I feel as though I have been waiting for things my whole life. I am ready to move forward and take ownership for myself...for my own happiness.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Sorting Through My Life

In becoming clutter & Chaos free, it has been a long road thus far. I started with decluttering "things" that were keeping the household cluttered. Once I had that part under control, I moved to decluttering and organizing all of the paper items in my life that seemed to stack up and become unbearably frightening. I am nearly complete in that particular challenge. Those Clutter & Chaos items seem like nothing compared to trying to find organization in my every day life.

For the past several years, I have challenged myself to try harder, to work harder, to give more of myself, and to get it together. Then it dawned on me. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I give of myself, some things simply are beyond my control...or at least only to an extent. I can choose to remain stressed and unhappy, living the life I am living....or I can push forward into the unknown and create a new life for myself that is one of my choosing. One of peace and harmony. One of happiness and laughter.

Fear of the unknown is an overwhelming and can be potentially disabling, or at least it has been for me. Taking the steps needed to get past the fears and the every day traps of life is a fear that has kept me paralyzed in place, afraid to change, afraid to hope, afraid to dream. But somehow, I continued to hope, dream, and want. The difference happens, when the hopes, dreams, and desire outweigh the fear, and empowerment takes over. This is where I am currently standing. In the void between two completely different worlds. The one I am leaving, and the one I am slowly walking towards.

Many emotions fill my thoughts as I begin making these steps. Fear, excitement, anticipation of things to come. One thing is for sure, I am slowly but surely starting to walk towards the lighthouse that has always been there. Waiting. Things will be different. But for now, the differences are yet to be written. Only time and patience will tell what awaits me on the other side. I hope it is the stuff my dreams have been made of.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Taking a Personal Inventory

Things that make me Happy
  • My children's laughter
  • A hug from my children
  • Hearing those precious, perfectly wonderful words, "I love you Mom"
  • Flowers (daisies, Gerber daisies, field flowers or wild flowers)
  • Birds and their songs
  • Stories of inspiration and motivation
  • Selfless acts & Human Kindness
  • The beach
  • Lighthouses
  • Old movies
  • A fire
  • Waking up to the sun peering through my bedroom window
  • A clean house
  • Reading books
  • Making stuff, creating, being creative
  • Accomplishing something very challenging
  • Smells of vanilla, cinnamon, and strawberries

My description of a fun day

A fun day for me would not involve spending a great deal of money. Instead, a picnic at the beach, visiting a lighthouse, flying a kite, walking in the sand barefoot, playing in the waves, watching the sun set above the water, exploring artisans or street vendors goods.

The simple things in life seem to be much more appealing to me rather than the things that cost money like going out to an expensive restaurant or movie. The simple things seem to be more satisfying in the end for me.

I want to be...

  • Happy
  • At peace
  • Calm
  • Relaxed
  • On time
  • Organized
  • Helpful, yet not a door mat
  • Liked
  • A friend
  • Known/remembered in a good way
  • Active
  • Challenged
  • Busy, yet have time for balance, relaxation, and reflection
  • Involved in good works -- doing for others
  • Successful
  • Financially comfortable, but not wealthy! Just comfortable. I don't want to worry about making rent or buying the groceries, but I don't want to have much more than my needs---just enough to occasionally fulfill a want for a loved one or even myself.

I Don't Wanna be...

  • Sad
  • Angry
  • Depressed
  • Tired all the time
  • Flat broke
  • Negative
  • Boring
  • Predictable
  • Hated
  • Stuck at home
  • A failure
  • Friendless
  • Uncreative
  • Uninspired
  • Disliked
  • Ordinary
  • Lifeless
  • Lonely
  • Controlled
  • Scared
  • Stuck living in the past
  • Afraid to live

Living With A Full Heart

In reading this passage from the internet, I found myself. I realized that this was talking about me. I go through the motions, but I am not "there". I need to move forward and take care of me. I can't keep living like this. It is time to let go....but I don't want to leave. I love him. I hate that he can't just quit drinking. I hate that I have to choose. This is so unfair.

When one is too hurt one cannot see others' pain, is too blind with one's own.
When one has many weights to lift, one cannot enjoy life.
When one has many expectations, one cannot be patient with others.
When one has fear, one cannot enjoy life.
When one does not give, one is making the heart lonely.
When one does not take, one is making the heart feel inferior
When one does not hope, one is shutting oneself into a tight closet.
But when one does not love, one is killing one's self.
(written by 12-year old Olivia, Berkeley, California, 2/12/02)