Monday, March 26, 2007

The Beginning of a Journey

I started a new job today. It is with a temp agency, so the assignment is temporary. However, it is a good job for me to begin to walk the beginning of this journey. So many new things are happening in my life currently, yet so much of the old is still present, and painful. I am told things take time to heal.

I believe the hardest thing for me to overcome is the fear of the unknown and the battle within myself. I am learning more and more each day that I have forgotten who I am. Forgotten how to laugh, how to smile, how to be happy. I don't know what things truly make me happy anymore. So this journey, more than anything has to focus on finding myself within all of this and remembering to live in the moment, not in the past, and not in the future. Just in the here and now.

So here begins the first stages to a recovery. To finding myself. May this journey be a happy one.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

A Little Too Little Too Late

It is too late to show me that you love me. It is too late to change things. I am glad that you are making positive changes in your life. This will be good for you. This will be good for the kids. I hope that the changes you are making will enable you to live a better and happier life. But it is too late for things to change between us.

I remember begging you to be home. I begged for your attention. I begged for your time. I begged for you to want to spend time with me. I did not seem to ever matter. You never had time for me. I was insignificant for years. I was not important. Talking to me was too stressful. Loving me was too much work. Spending time with me kept you from other things that were too important to wait.

I need to matter. Even if only to myself.
I need to not feel as though I am a waste of time and space.
I need to not feel as though I am an awful inconvenience in life.
I need to feel important. Again, if only to myself, I need this.
I need my opinions to matter.
I need to feel free to have fun.
I need to feel happiness.
I need to not feel trapped in limbo, waiting for the moment that I might be needed or wanted.
I need to not be stressed out all the time.
I need to be able to feel secure in my world.
I need to not worry about whether or not I have said or done the wrong thing yet again.
I need to find myself and learn how to be true to myself.
I need to stop trying to change who and what I am to make someone else happy.

Life is too precious and too short to spend the entire time trying in vain to please someone else for years yet never be able to be happy myself. I can't keep trying. I am all out of the energy it takes to try anymore. I am all out of patience. My virtual bank account has been overdrawn for a very, very long time. I need to find a way to replenish it and live again. I need to be free. Free to just be me.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

In The End

Why? Does it really matter why at this point? I said what I needed to say. This is the end. Is asking over and over why going to make things better or change the way in which the planets orbit within the galaxy? In the end, it is done. Leave me to find myself and some peace in all of this. Quit trying to rewrite my reasons or argue points from several years ago -they really don't matter anymore.

Do I still love you? Does it matter? It's over.

Do I still care? I told you I do, but not in that way anymore. Of course I care. That is why I am walking away. Neither of us deserve to continue this way.

I will regret this decision. Well, possibly, but I have made my decision. Now, please find a way to accept it and move on with your life. You will be fine. I need to be fine too. This just is not working. It has not been working in a long, long time.

I'll be sorry. Yes, I already am. But not in the way you think.

I'm destroying everything. No, we did that. Now I just want to pick up the little bit of self respect I have left and find some way to put myself back together. Your anger does not help me nor does it help you. Move on. Be happy. I do truly hope you can be happy. You were not happy with me.

You are the reason I live. Please go to counseling or something. I should not be the reason you breathe. Live because you have been given the gift of life. There is more to life than a broken relationship. Move on and find happiness within yourself.

You must have found someone else-that is the only reason you would leave me. Nope. Sorry you have such little respect for me. Why blame someone else for what has gone wrong. Please understand, please let me go.

You can't make it on your own. Imagine that. I am incapable of supporting myself? What am I stupid? Am I lazy? Am I mentally challenged? I have been able to make good money in the past. I do have skills. I am a hardworker and have good values. Why am I incapable of supporting myself. Is there something wrong with me? I don't think so. But go ahead and inspire me to prove you wrong. I always love a challenge.

The kids will end up hating you for this. Nice. Thanks for that. I have always been there for the kids. Why would they hate me for trying to be happy? I am not keeping them from seeing you. I am not poisoning their mind against you. Leave the kids out of this, play fair. I am not trying to hurt anyone. I just want to find peace in a very sad situation. Don't do that. It just is not right on so many levels.

You'll never find someone that treats me as good as I have. Perhaps. But who said I ever wanted to be with anyone ever again. Let it go. It is what it is. In the end, I can't do this anymore. Just let me go. Please get over it.

After all I have done for you, this is the way you repay me. Hmmm, I did not know I had a debt to repay. I did not know that love was about keeping score. I did not know that in the end I would need to pay on an account. Was all of this a loan? Love is about give and take. I believe I gave an awful lot. Things just are not working. I'm not going to rehash this.

In the end, its over. The decision has been made. Changes are taking place. Please don't keep trying to make me feel bad. I feel bad enough. Please find some way to save what friendship we have left. I would like to be friends. I don't want to hurt forever. You are only making me have more bad feelings towards you. Play fair please.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

What Part of No Don't You Understand

I am simply amazed at how such a simple word, with such a simple meaning can be so confusing. The word does not carry double means, tends to mean the same thing in multiple languages. Even young children learn the meaning of the word NO and that pushing the issue is not a good thing. So why is it, that I feel as though I have to learn some other language or write a book to explain the word and all that it means? Simply put, no means just that. Nothing else. Don't take any of my time to try to find hidden meanings. No, I am not playing a game. No means no. Don't ask again. Don't try to change my mind. The answer is NO!

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Call Me When You're Sober

I am so tired of the drunk dialed calls.
I am simply exhausted from making excuses for you.
I am tired of living simply to make your world work.
I need to live for me.
I need to exist as more than your fix it person.
I need to be important.
I need to not be afraid.
I need to be loved.
I need to be needed for me, not for my ability to clean up your messes.

I am better than this.
I deserve more.
I want to live.
I am tired of hiding to protect you.

Call me when you are sober...if you ever find your way out of the bottle. I can't wait anymore.