Saturday, April 28, 2007

The Day After

We stopped in Federal Way last night and got some sleep. Today we will be driving to Grants Pass to see my parents. I hope they are not too disappointed in me for leaving. Failed marriage number 2 for me. Maybe I am not supposed to be married. Maybe I am just not marriage material. I am just a failure. Why couldn't I stop him from drinking? Why do I have to leave? Why am I not good enough anymore?

I am taking the kids to stay wit my Mom and Dad while I find a job. I will miss them, but I don't know where I will be sleeping and I don't want to make them homeless as well. They don't deserve this. I don't have a job. I don't have a place to sleep until I do have a job. What in the world am I going to do?

Friday, April 27, 2007

A Day for Freedom

Today I am leaving. The house has been packed. His stuff is heading to Kentucky. Mine is heading to Seattle. We have said our goodbyes. Now it is time to finish up a few last things around the rental before the kids and I drive away. This is so hard. I keep asking myself if I am making the right decision. I am so worried about him. I want to know he will be alright. Who will take care of him? Who will help him put everything back together. I have to remember that he needs to be taking care of himself. I have to remind myself that it was never supposed to be my job to take care of him. I have to keep reminding myself that each human being has a responsibility to take care of themselves. Why does this have to be so hard?

I don't want to leave. I don't want to stay and let things continue the way they are. I want him to stop drinking and be the man I married so many years ago. Why can't he just quit drinking? Why can't he agree to get help? Why does he refuse to quit even to keep me? Doesn't he care? Oh this is so hard. My heart is breaking.

A few more hours, and we will leave. Time to suck it up and stick to my plan. This is not time to back out now. Keep walking forward, don't look back.