Monday, August 27, 2007

I'm A Big Girl

Please don't try to save me. Just tell me the truth. If you are walking away, then go ahead and do what you need to do, but don't try to give me shelter. I have been hurt before, and it appears I will be again. Don't try to sugar coat things. I have been to that place in life before.

I am a big girl. I know how to cry. I know how to pick up my pieces and walk with my head held high. I can fake being happy and smile for everyone around until I get my thoughts back together. I don't need someone to protect me from myself. In the end, no one can.

So go on and do what you need to do. But if walking away is what is best for you...then go...I have never wanted anything more for you than for you to be happy. I have never held onto anything that wanted to run. It is not my way.

I wish you joy, happiness...and all those good things in life that we can only hope one day to have in our lives.

I am a big girl...my heart gets broken...but I know I will survive.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Mi Vida Loca!

Mi Vida Loca! Life around here is crazy and very busy! I am a soon to be divorced woman with three absolutely awesome teens. My kids are my life. Without them, my world would be such an empty place. I am so thankful for the time I share with them. It can be hard, I am currently working two jobs to make the ends meet, but such is life.


I am...

smart, funny, loyal to my friends. I try hard to do the "right" thing, even when sometimes it is hard or gets me hurt. I am filled with courage, determination, and compassion...and I am stronger than I give myself credit for usually.

I love to cook and to make others happy. I absolutely hurt for others when they are going through rough times. It simply breaks my heart to watch someone I care about go through something painful and know there is nothing I can really do to help them or comfort them. I am not very good with those kinds of situations because I feel so utterly useless. If there is something I can "do" I am much better.

I tend to be hard on myself and work towards standards that I know are next to impossible for any mere mortal to attain. This is something I am working on though. I don't know how to simply relax. That is such a foreign concept for me. I keep a mile long to do list and am always racing to finish it. The problem is I keep adding more things to that list...so I fear it is an eternal list that will never totally get crossed off. Sometimes I even have several of them running at the same time. Yes, I do tire myself out.

I am NOT a morning person!

I am addicted to Starbucks!

I am simply in love with smell of vanilla candles and the taste of fresh strawberries dipped in whipped cream!

I love most all music.

I don't care for mean people.

I am not very patient. I tend to want things...HOT fresh and NOW...maybe I should have been a donut!

I usually forgive others rather quickly, but then beat myself up for the small things for ages.

I am super easily amused. Love to laugh. Hate to cry.

Obsessed with my weight--this is apparently a huge issue for me.

Panic attacks are usually a thing saved for bridges and my kids latest dramas. However, I do have them and trust me when I say...I wish I didn't. They are the most miserable things....

I get hurt and bruise easily, I do not have a thick skin I wish I did. I wish I did not get hurt or sad like I do. I am told that time will help me be stronger. I am not so sure about that. I wish I could be stronger within things. I wish I could have more faith in myself. It is not others I don't have faith in...it is me. I don't believe in myself. If something gets quiet or whatever...I tend to believe I am the reason for the silence...that I am the one that has done something wrong. Then I feel I have to "fix" it or say I am sorry or whatever...even though logically I know of nothing I actually did wrong. So out comes the over analyzing of all of my actions, thoughts, feelings, words...trying to figure out what I have said or done that made things the way they are. Yes, I am way too hard on me.

AND..I run away from myself. I don't trust myself to be good enough or wise enough or strong enough...so when I think I might get hurt...I have learned to run. Not that it is what I want to do, but because I am so afraid of getting hurt, of getting burned as I have before that I don't trust myself to know when things are safe. Fight or flight. I am not a fighter. I just want to be happy. I want to live and to love and to enjoy life.

Aren't you glad you asked?

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Do Over!

There are moments in my life I wish I could call for a do over. These moments are the ones in which I have hurt others or caused harm to someone I care about. Unfortunately, there are no do overs in life.

I wish I were not such an open book in so many aspects, too honest with my thoughts, too upfront with what I am thinking. I am going to work on that one. This seems to get me into more trouble than most anything else I do in life. I suppose I just need to learn how to shut up and close off those rooms in my being. Learn to keep my own thoughts to myself, without sharing them with anyone else. It seems that would be the better way in my life.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

TIMOTHY: I LOVE YOU! Please call me!

Tim,

You are and always be my angel. I love you with all of my heart. Please call me as soon as possible. I miss you. We will figure things out together. Please don't get yourself into any more trouble...just call me and we will fix things together. I LOVE YOU! There is nothing that you have done or could ever do that will change that. I LOVE YOU! Please call me. I am worried about you. I love you and I miss you and I need to know you are safe.

Please call me TJ.

Love Always,

Mama

Monday, August 20, 2007

Lessons Apparently Not Learned Well Enough

How can I manage to go through the life I have and still be so caring and so trusting of those around me? Why do I care about other people so much? I honestly should not care at all. When I care, I get hurt. When I trust, I get hurt. There is a common element here in all of this. I simply need to learn to close off the part of me that truly cares and wants to be a good person. I need to be more like everyone else and simply not give a darn.

I try way too hard to be a good person and in the end it just breaks my heart every time. I am depressed and frustrated and feeling pretty low tonight. And guess what...it is my own fault. In the end I have no one to blame but myself because I allowed myself to trust, to hope, to care, to feel....to try. I need to learn this lesson and just learn to not give a care anymore. Close off my heart and soul to the rest of the planet because this girl was never meant to be loved or cared about for more than a brief moment.

I say this knowing all too well that after a good long cry...I will go back to finding hope and faith regardless of how hard things are...how badly things look...because that is the me in it all. Am I simply someone that is destined to be miserable or other peoples walking door mat for life? Does my heart ever come into play for more than a dart board? I don't understand why I keep letting myself try. I need to simply stop. I need to quit. I need to give up. I need to abandon all hope of happiness so I can at least exist without pain...without hurt.

I just want to run away...away from everyone including myself....I truly wish I could.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Lessons

Some things in life are not learned the easy way. In life some things must be really engraved into your soul for you to learn them. Unfortunately, those things usually hurt your heart in the process. It is kind of like when my mom told me, don't touch that-it is hot. It will burn you. Of course, one day I decided to touch it anyhow...thinking I was smarter than mom. And then, I finally learned, don't touch it...it is hot, it will burn you. OUCH!

As a woman, I thought I had learned a few lessons the hard way already. I am finding that I still just have not quite learned those lessons. I still keep letting myself go where I have no business going. Feel things I obviously have no business feeling. Hoping for things that will never happen. OUCH! When oh when will I finally just give up on that path and learn the reality of things and how they are meant to be in my life?

My heart is in serious need of locks and metal doors that are incapable of being opened. Oh to be able to not care, to not feel right now would be exactly what I am needing. Why oh why do I have to feel? Why I let myself feel my pain as well as the pain of others around me is beyond my understanding at the moment. Why do I always seem to put other peoples needs above and beyond my own? Why do I continue to care about people who do not want or need me to care about them? Why do I so willingly put myself and my heart in a position to get so hurt...when others don't reciprocate?

Why do I care?
Why do I love?
Why do I keep trying?

When will I quit?
When will I learn to walk away and say that I need to matter too?
When will I learn?

How many times do I have to hurt so deeply before it all clicks with me and I quit trying?

Thursday, August 16, 2007

I am Thankful

I am thankful for you.
I am thankful for your voice on the other end of the line telling me you love me and want to come home. I am thankful that you are healthy and safe. I am thankful that you are trying.

I am thankful that you know I love you with all of my heart. I am thankful that you are my son. I am thankful for every single moment that I have had you in my life...the good times, as well as the difficult times.

I am thankful for you!

For You

For you I would be there when you need me,
for you, I would never walk away,
for you, I would always believe,
for you, I will always have faith not matter what others might say.

Times are hard and life is not easy,
only you can decide,
choices are yours for the making,
sometimes, I can only be along for the ride.

Believe in yourself and be wise,
go the extra mile,
your heart will guide you were you need to go,
your life is really worth while.

To my son, my life, my dreams...I love you with all that I am. I know that things will work out in the end. Believe in yourself and stay the course. You know what you need to do, you just need to put the pieces of the puzzle together and take action. As you figure things out, remember that you will always find a fan in me...good or bad, I love you unconditionally. You cannot lose your Mama's love my son. I might not always agree with your choices or actions, but I will always believe that the best is within you. I refuse to believe you won't take a stand for yourself...even if it takes you some time to figure things out, I know you will choose right in the end.

Forever your Mama--I love you!