Caitlyn's Corner

Gluten Free Chinese Food?

2011-02-19T21:21:00.000-08:00

My teen-aged daughter loves Chinese food. When I say she loves Chinese food, I don't mean that she likes to have it every so often. I mean that she has a passion for it. She was saddened to read that her beloved soy sauce contained gluten. It was a very sad moment in time for her. At that moment, I knew I had to find a way to give her a gluten free alternative to one of her favorite foods.

I began to research for options and learned that there is a gluten free, organic soy sauce available! Luckily, I was able to find it locally so I did not have to wait for shipping.

My daughter had also requested that we buy tofu and try that, so I read all the labels and found an acceptable tofu. Later that afternoon, my husband and I went on to prepare a beautiful meal for my daughter consisting of fried tofu, fried rice, and a nice green salad. She was thrilled!

The recipe I used is adapted from another website. The changes made were very simple, I read all of the labels to make sure there was no gluten in any of them, used gluten free soy sauce, and organic sugar instead of the agave nectar. We have stopped using agave because it appears to be no better for our health than high fructose corn syrup.

For the pork fried rice, we used a Food Network recipe to guide us. There really were not any substitutions needed for this recipe. I just made sure to double check all of my ingredients to ensure there is no gluten.

Even though I have been great about removing all gluten from our home, I am still super cautious about reading all labels not only when we make a purchase, but also again as I go to use the product. Maybe I am being overly dramatic here, but I am so terrified of being "glutened". I do not want to return to the physical state that I was in prior to removing the gluten from our diets. I guess I can never be too careful. Perhaps my being so diligent in reading labels will serve as a good reminder and help my daughter make better food choices when I am not there to guide her. I don't know, but it is what I do to feel confident that we are eating purely gluten free.

So, the meal was a complete success. I don't know how I feel about the tofu, I am still reading about soy products and trying to determine if we should avoid that as well. Additionally, it is one of the things that can potentially irritate the bladder, so I am not sure that I want to eat tofu often if we have it as a meal again in the future. Still thinking on that one. We shall see. I suppose Rome was not built in a day. I can take a little bit of time to evaluate things and get some more advice from my urologist.

Gluten Free Croutons

2011-02-18T23:42:00.000-08:00

In trying to move towards eating healthier, I have gone back to trying to have at least one salad a day with our meal. Usually this is at dinner time. My mother used to have us eat salad each night with dinner. Many nights she would place hot peas and carrots over the salad with ranch dressing. It was something we knew would be there at almost every dinner meal. I had gotten out of the practice of eating salads, but the truth is, I love to eat them.

As an adult, I prefer to eat salads with spinach leaves, but I also enjoy other salad greens. I tend to avoid the iceberg lettuce of my youth and choose salad greens that contain more vitamins through darker leaves as well as a richer taste. We also try to add many different bright colors to our salads - bright red tomatoes and bell peppers, and orange carrots. My daughter loves to eat turnips and radishes on her salad. The more colors that are in my salad, the better it seems to taste. I love the crispness and the light crunch from the different vegetables as I chew them. It seems therapeutic to me to sit down and eat a nice leafy salad filled with vegetables. It is peaceful and tends to calm me.

Although, we have also taken to adding nuts and seeds to our salads, I still missed my croutons. Even though I have never been one to add a lot of them on my salad, I enjoyed adding a few or even taking a few saltines and crumbling them up on top of the salad for that extra little texture and flavor. But now, being gluten free, I felt deprived of that special little touch on my salad. For a while I simply told myself to quit complaining. My health is certainly much more important than a silly little crouton.

And then, today as I looked at the heels of bread from our fresh baked loaf of gluten free bread, I remembered making croutons each night when I worked as a waitress at the country club in Mississippi. I mentioned this to my husband who quickly took the crusts that are less than popular in our household and cut them into small squares. Then he melted a little butter in the microwave. Placing the gluten free bread cubes into a small glass casserole dish. Dabbing the melted butter onto the squares with a brush, before sprinkling a little garlic powder onto the bread crumbs was all that the bread crusts required before he placed them into the oven on 250° for about 15 - 20 minutes or until crunchy.

Tonight, our salads had beautiful, golden, buttery, garlic flavored croutons on top of our salad. And all was good.

NOTE: These croutons would also be wonderful on a nice hot soup.

Anasazi Beans

2011-02-18T19:38:00.000-08:00

I believe I have mentioned previously that I love the flavor of beans. So naturally, when I came across a new type of bean that I had never eaten before, I became quite curious and had to try it. Anasazi Beans do not require soaking and cook in about 2/3 of the time that it takes for other beans to cook. These beans come from the Anasazi Indians who were cliff dwellers. The beans were discovered within the ruins in the early 1900's.

Anasazi Beans

2 1/2 cup Anasazi beans (rinsed)
6 cups water (make sure beans are well covered)
1 ham hock (smoked)
2 tsp. garlic powder
1/4 medium onion, diced (I used Walla Walla Sweet)
2 bay leaves
1/8 tsp. Cayenne Pepper (optional)
2 tsp. salt
1 tsp. pepper

Directions:

Saute onions in skillet until limp, translucent, and slightly brown along the edges. Place in crock pot along with beans, water, salt,pepper garlic powder, cayenne pepper, bay leaves, and ham hock.

Turn crock put on high. Cook for 3 hours checking regularly to ensure there is plenty of water (should always cover the beans by at least 1/2 inch of water).

Anasazi beans are delicious served with a slice of gluten free corn bread, a few gluten free tortillas, or rice.

Tonight, we ate our Anasazi beans over a bed of jasmine rice, sprinkled with hemp seeds. We also enjoyed eating a buttered slice of the gluten free potato, rosemary, garlic bread that we picked up last night at our local CSA. Delicious!

Local Foods, Fresh Eggs, GF Bread

2011-02-17T22:15:00.000-08:00

One day my husband I were talking about the cost of cage free organic eggs in the grocery store. We had just paid $4.60 a dozen for those eggs. It seems because the word "organic" was printed on the egg carton, the price was nearly doubled. Reviewing our grocery purchases of late, nearly all of our grocery purchases had doubled or tripled what we were used to paying. Our budget was way overextended and we needed to find somethings that can be done to lower the costs of our foods.

As always, when I am looking for answers, I began to research. Finally, I came upon the answer. Community Supported Agriculture (CSA) is the best way to lower costs of foods without having your own little farm in your backyard. I reviewed the different farms in my area and came across one that is not too far from where we are currently living. They have fresh cage free, organic eggs for $2.35 a dozen. That would surely lower our egg costs I thought as I continued reading the list of foods offered through this program.

Cheese, milk, fruits, vegetables, and gluten free bakery products! A local bakery is offering gluten free products through the local CSA. I noticed that they even offered whole grains and beans. I was so excited. I simply had to place an order. Not all CSA's are set up to where you can choose your own supplies, many of them have a program where you pay a certain amount of money (your fair share) and receive a box each week of whatever the farmers are offering.

This particular program is not exactly like a CSA. It is more flexible. You simply review their offerings by Tuesday morning of each week and place your order, paying online. Then you go pick up your order each Thursday evening. This organization brings several farmers and local organic merchants together. The prices are much lower than what we would be paying in the store.

I am excited to say that we placed our first order and today was our first pick up day! When we arrived, we were presented with two reusable shopping bags of food. The person who was there distributing the food gave us a few extras because it was our first order, organic tuna, about a pound of brussel sprouts and a butternut squash. They were so pleasant to deal with and there was no standing in line. We are sold!

For this to work best for us economically (we still do need to drive about 35 miles each way), we have decided that we will only order every two weeks. Even so, we are predicting that we will be saving quite a bit on our groceries. Due to this, my grocery planning will need to be at least two weeks in advance so I can adequately account for our needs. We are looking forward to spring and summer when even more fresh organic and local fruits and vegetables will be available through our local CSA.

GF Chicken Tetrazzini

2011-02-15T21:48:00.000-08:00

Chicken Tetrazzini was one of the few foods I enjoyed eating in the school cafeteria at lunch time. I remember those nice cheesy bites of chicken, creamy sauce, and noodles were so delicious to me as a child. Growing up, my family did not eat a great deal of pasta. My father was strictly a meat and potatoes man. We did on occasion eat spaghetti, but not often. I believe that must be why I have such a love for pasta, it was something new to me, something special when I became an adult and moved out on my own.

I remember the first time I made Chicken Tetrazzini in my own home. A lady from church had provided me her recipe to use after I tried it at one of the church potluck dinners. I remember being so excited to be making this dish for myself. Back in those days, I could not afford the white wine and many of the other ingredients she suggested, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. Today, I am thankful to be able to make the recipe as she shared it with me, with only a few small adaptations I have made over the years such as the addition of both peas and spinach and converting it to gluten free. This recipe is very rich and uses a good bit of butter, but it is simply delicious.

Chicken Tetrazzini

1 whole chicken or 4 cups chicken cubed
3 cups chicken broth
1 1/2 cups heavy whipping cream
3 cups milk
1 stick butter
1 1/2 cups very dry white wine or sherry
Zest from one lemon
2 tsp. lemon juice
2 tsp. Sea Salt
1 tsp. Fresh Cracked Black Pepper
2 cups Fresh Spinach leaves, chopped
1 cup fresh or frozen baby peas
1 onion, diced (I prefer to use a sweet onion such as Walla Walla or Mayan)
8 oz. Sliced Brown Crimini Mushrooms
4 cloves garlic (minced)
1 tbsp Fresh Thyme, chopped
1 tbsp Fresh Rosemary leaves, crushed
1 bunch flat parsley leaves, finely chopped (about 1/3 cup)
2 tsp. Paprika
1 1/2 cup grated Asiago, Parmigiano-Reggiano, and Romano cheese blend
1/4 cup Gluten Free Bread Crumbs
1/3 cup Gluten Free All Purpose Flour (I used Bob's Red Mill All Purpose Flour)
1 pkg (12oz) Gluten Free Rice Spaghetti Noodles

Directions:

1. Place whole chicken into large pot full of water on stove, boil until cooked, approximately 1 hour. Very carefully, remove chicken from water, reserving the water as it is now a wonderful homemade chicken broth. Place chicken on a glass pie plate with edges or other glass container to cool.

Once chicken has cooled, remove skin and bones. Chop up chicken into bite sized pieces. You will need 4 cups. Place the 4 cups of chopped chicken into a bowl and set aside.

Strain reserved chicken broth from above to remove fat and other particles. I usually strain mine through twice to remove all of the impurities from the broth. A paper coffee filter works nicely for this, as does this.

Note: If you buy larger chickens like I do, package up remaining chicken to be used for a different recipe and place in refrigerator.

2. Pre-heat oven to 425°. Place 2 tsp butter into a skillet and melt on medium-low heat. Place mushrooms in skillet to sweat, turning periodically. When the mushrooms turn a nice dark golden brown color, add the onions, thyme, rosemary, garlic, and an additional 2 tsp. butter to the skillet with the mushrooms and saute on medium heat until the onions become translucent.

3. Add the wine to the skillet and cook until the wine evaporates. Place the vegetable mixture into the bowl with the chicken. Set aside.

4. Using same skillet, place 2 tsp. butter into the skillet along with all of the spinach. Cover with glass lid. Let spinach wilt, lifting lid occasionally to turn the spinach leaves. The wilting process only takes a few minutes. Stir in wilted spinach in the bowl with the chicken mixture.

5. Place pot of water on to boil.

6. Melt 4 tsp. butter in same skillet. Add flour and whisk for a few minutes, then add milk, whipping cream, strained chicken broth, salt, and pepper. Increase heat to high and bring to a boil, continuing to whisk so the liquid will not scorch. Once at a boil, turn temperature down to a simmer. Continue to whisk. The liquid will start to thicken a bit. Cook on simmer for about 10-15 minutes. Add to chicken mixture, stir in well.

7. The pot of water should be boiling by now. Drizzle some olive oil into the pot (approx 4 tsp.). Drop in noodles (do not break in half). Set timer according to instructions on the box for al dente. Strain and rinse immediately with cold water.

8. Place noodles in a separate bowl and toss with olive oil (approx 2-3 tsp) to keep noodles from sticking.

9. Mix noodles and chicken mixture together with parsley flakes, and gluten free bread crumbs until all ingredients are well incorporated.

10. Grease a nice big casserole dish well. Pour chicken and noodle mixture into casserole dish. Top with grated cheese blend and then sprinkle with paprika.

11. Place casserole dish on top of a cookie sheet and into the oven. Bake for 20-30 minutes or until the cheese is a nice golden brown color.

We enjoy eating our Chicken Tetrazzini with a nice green salad drizzled with a fruity vinaigrette dressing, and some steamed broccoli with red bell peppers on the side.

Jambalaya

2011-02-14T12:27:00.000-08:00

Since we are not making dinner tonight, I decided I would go ahead and post the recipe from the Jambalaya that we made this weekend. This is my own recipe that has been altered just a tad to make it gluten friendly. I have used it for years. The changes made were minimal, so there is virtually no real difference in taste, but lots of difference to my health. For this I am thankful!

NOTE: Most people use celery in their Jambalaya, however, my sweet husband does not care for it in his food so I omit the celery. Instead I add extra bell peppers. You can raise the recipe to 1 whole green bell pepper plus 3-4 celery stalks if you prefer.

Jambalaya

4 chicken breasts (skinned, bones removed, boiled, diced - reserve broth)
4 cups chicken broth (use packaged broth if needed)
1/2 pound Andouille sausage (sliced into bite sized pieces)
1 1/2 pound shrimp, medium (peeled and de-veined)
1 large can (28 oz) diced tomatoes
4 tsp butter
1 medium onion (medium diced)
1/2 bell pepper, green (seeds removed, diced)
1/2 bell pepper, red (seeds removed, diced)
1/2 bell pepper, yellow (seeds removed, diced)
4 cloves garlic (minced)
3 bay leaves
2 teaspoon Gluten Free Worcestershire sauce
2 tsp. Tony Chachere's Original Creole Seasoning
2 tsp. Sea Salt
1 tsp. Thyme
1/2 tsp. Oregano
4 cups cooked white or brown rice

Directions:

1. Boil chicken. Reserve chicken broth. Remove chicken from pan and dice into bite sized pieces. Place chicken and broth into a large crock pot.

2. Cut Andouille sausage into bite sized slices. Place into skillet on medium. Cook until there is a slight char on the edges. Place cooked Andouille sausage into the crock pot with the chicken and broth.

3. In skillet, combine onions and bell peppers in skillet with 4 tsp butter. Saute until limp, translucent, and slightly brown along the edges. Add the garlic and cook for just a little bit longer, maybe 1-2 minutes. Dump into crock pot.

4. Add Gluten Free Worcestershire sauce, thyme, oregano, Tony Chachere's Original Creole Seasoning, sea salt, and bay leaves along with can of tomatoes to crock pot. Turn onto high. Cook for 4 hours checking to ensure it has not dried out. Keep water level just above ingredients by at least 1/2 inch. Add water as needed.

5. Remove bay leaves.

6. Serve over cooked rice.

Many people like to add hot sauce such as Tabasco to their jambalaya. I tend to season the meal lightly and allow each individual the opportunity to spice it a bit hotter in their own bowl. This way it works well for everyone.

Good to serve with corn bread. While I do not have a recipe for this yet, we have simply used the Bob's Red Mill Corn Bread Mix to make ours.

To make the rice, we use jasmine rice in a rice steamer. We substitute chicken broth in place of the water. You can use minute rice, boil in a bag rice if you prefer. I find the chicken broth adds a richer flavor for the beans and rice. You could use a vegetable broth instead if you are vegan or water if you are trying to lower the cost.

Fondu Night!

2011-02-13T22:42:00.000-08:00

Our potluck get together with friends went really well last night. As luck would have it, we also have a fun night of fondue planned with a few couples for a pre-Valentine's Day celebration this evening. Luckily, fondue can be done gluten free.

Traditional Cheese Fondue

½ lb grated Gruyere cheese (rind removed)
1/2 lb grated Emmentaler cheese (rind removed)
1 clove garlic
1 cup dry white wine
1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice
3 ½ teaspoons cornstarch
1 tablespoon kirsch
pepper and nutmeg to taste

Directions:

1. Grate the gruyere and Emmentaler cheeses. In a medium bowl, mix the Gruyere and Emmentaler cheese with the cornstarch and toss.

2. Rub the inside of a medium saucepan with the peeled garlic clove. Throw away the garlic. Pour the wine and lemon juice into the garlic rubbed pan, and bring to a simmer over medium heat.

2. Stir the cheese mixture into the wine one small handful at a time. Make sure each handful is completely melted before adding another.

3. Season with the nutmeg and pepper. Stir in kirsch (be careful to only use amount given, does not taste very good if you toss in extra - I learned this the hard way once).

4. Using a plastic spatula, pour into a to a cheese fondue pot. To keep warm, place a few tea lights or a fondue burner underneath the fondue pot stand.

Things to Dip into the Cheese Fondue:

--apples cut into cubes
--pears cut into cubes
--grapes
--GF Crusty bread cut into cubes
--cooked chicken cubes (I quick cooked mine in a skillet with just salt and pepper)
--Potato cubes - roasted ( I use fingerling potatoes roasted with olive oil, salt, pepper, and rosemary)
--Steamed broccoli, cauliflower, peppers
--Cooked pieces of ham and sausage

Provide each person with a fondue fork and a small plate. I also served a nice green salad with the meal so the participants were provided a regular fork as well. The wine that we used to make the fondue went really well with meal.

Chocolate Fondue

12 0z Baker's Chocolate - semi-sweet
3/4 cup heavy whipping cream
1 Tbsp. Brandy

Chop up the chocolate into tiny pieces. Over a medium heat carefully heat up the cream until it is simmering then lower the heat and add the chocolate. Stir until all chocolate is melted. Take off heat. Add Brandy and stir until smooth - no lumps of chocolate.

Using a silicone spatula pour into a fondue pot, keep warm with a few tea light candles, in my experience, the fuels are too hot so using a couple tea lights is better and does not burn the chocolate.

Things to dip into chocolate fondue:

--GF Pound Cake - we loved this recipe by Gluten Free Easily. It was easy to do and tasted just like a gluten one would in our opinion. Our non-gluten free friends did not even notice a difference!
--Strawberries
--Pineapple
--Banana slices
--Orange segments
--Cherries
--Peaches
--Mango
--GF Muffins
--GF Cookies
--GF Marshmallows
--GF Cheesecake

While fondue night is fun and easy to do, it can be a mess to clean up. Do yourself a huge favor and remove the cheese from the pan and wash it immediately after the meal. Don't wait until the next morning to do this or you will have a mess to contend with.

Our Daily Bread

2011-02-13T15:41:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentines Day!

After celebrating last night with friends, today is going to be a quiet day at home. Mostly a day of rest and left-overs. There has been a lot of cooking going on, and there are a few left overs that need to be eaten. I dislike it when there is food waste, so today is left over day. Having said this, we are out of bread so it is time to make a fresh loaf.

My husband and I decided to try a few gluten free bread recipes from around the web to learn more about the process of baking gluten free and gain a little more experience baking with different ingredients. This morning we chose to make a loaf of bread from the Gluten Free Cooking School, Finally, really good sandwich bread.

The recipe is really quite simple to make. My husband and I teamed up on it, but it really does not require a team effort, we just like to cook together. The clean up was simple, and the bread came out of the oven smelling awesome. It slid right out of the pan onto the baking rack with ease. And about 10 minutes later, we sampled our warm, fresh out of the oven bread with sweet, organic butter and pear jelly. Oh my gosh! This bread is so yummy! Almost tastes like the stuff we ate before going gluten free. We are pleased.

Red Beans and Rice

2011-02-12T13:38:00.000-08:00

Living in the south, I learned to make a lot of southern recipes. Many of the recipes I learned were very economical and already gluten free. One of my families favorites is a recipe handed down to me from my dearly departed mother-in-law, Pat. She was a wonderful cook and beautiful woman. Over the years, I have adapted her recipe to make it my own. Red Beans and Rice is a hearty dish best served on a chilly day although you can eat it any time of year.

Tonight we have friends coming over for a potluck style meal. We are making both Red Beans and Rice and Jambalaya. I will post my personal recipe for my Jambalaya soon.

Red Beans and Rice

3 cups red beans (rinsed, sorted)
1 pound smoked beef sausage
2 tbsp butter (for vegetables)
2 tsp butter (for sausage)
1 onion chopped
1 bell pepper, green - chopped
3 celery sticks - chopped (*This is part of the original recipe but I omit it)
4 cloves garlic - minced
3 bunches green onion
2-3 bay leaves
1 tsp thyme
3 tsp Tony Chachere's Original Creole Seasoning
2 tsp Sea Salt
2 tsp GF Worcestershire Sauce

Directions:

Place rinsed and sorted red beans (kidney beans) into large crock pot with plenty of water (about 3/4 full including beans). Turn on high. Cook for approximately 4 hours checking every hour or so to ensure there is enough water in the crock pot. Stir and keep covered.

Once beans are wrinkled and fairly soft - combine onions, bell peppers, green onion, celery, and butter in skillet. Saute until limp, translucent, and slightly brown along the edges. Add the garlic and cook for just a little bit longer, maybe 1-2 minutes. Dump into crock pot with the beans.

Chop smoked sausage into bite sized pieces and place into skillet with about 2 tsp butter. Cook on medium temperature. You want to brown the edges to get a nice char on both sides. Dump into crock pot with beans.

Season the beans with seasonings listed above. Stir. Cover. Cook until beans are tender (approx 2-3 hours) checking regularly to ensure there is plenty of water.

Serve over white rice with a side of GF Corn Bread. Some people like to have a hot sauce such as Tabasco handy to add to their own bowl. I tend to make my Red Beans milder and let those who like things more spicy add it themselves so all can enjoy.

For the GF Corn Bread, I do not have a recipe for this yet. We simply used the Bob's Red Mill Corn Bread Mix to make ours. Very delicious.

To make the rice, we use jasmine rice in a rice steamer. We substitute chicken broth in place of the water. You can use minute rice, boil in a bag rice if you prefer. I find the chicken broth adds a richer flavor for the beans and rice. You could use a vegetable broth instead if you are vegan or water if you are trying to lower the cost.

Gluten Free, Or Not?

2011-02-09T23:54:00.000-08:00

I have been reading a great deal about the food my family eats for several years now, although my preoccupation with foods increased tremendously with my IC diagnosis, and even more so since we have removed gluten from our diet. What I am finding is that is can truly be so difficult to decipher the labels on the packages unless you know what you are reading.

Welcome to Label Reading 101! While I am not an expert in nutrition, I have learned from those who are in my opinion wonderful resources for label reading and understanding. Nothing is more frustrating than purchasing something only to find out there is poison lurking within the packaging. For me, gluten is a poison. I have to be careful or I become quite ill.

What is Gluten Free? How can I tell what I can eat and what I cannot? It seems that the food manufacturers hide so many things within that label. I have come to believe that learning to read an ingredients label is much like learning a foreign language. I have come across the following resources that have been very helpful:

My very first resource was located after a search around the internet yielded many different web sites with a lot of information, but the more I read, the more confused I became. Finally, I found Karina's site, The Gluten Free Goddess. On her website, she has something she refers to as a "cheat sheet" for those new to the gluten free lifestyle. This cheat sheet helped me to begin developing a good foundation for where to find gluten. The Gluten Free Goddess is packed with recipes both gluten free and vegan, as well as many tips on how to bake using gluten free ingredients.

Dr Vikki Petersen has become my new hero. She and her husband co-authored a book called "The Gluten Effect". I have been reading her blog, The Gluten Doctors and have found her to be a very compassionate woman who lives a gluten free life with her husband and children. Her posts are insightful and tend to challenge the main stream way of thought. She has a very thorough list of gluten foods and ingredients to avoid on her clinic site.

Lisa Lundy is a mother of children with multiple allergies including the need to avoid gluten. I was drawn to her website through a You Tube video which shared her story. She is quite a inspirational and talented lady! Lisa has a very informative website, The Super Allergy Girl (although it can be overwhelming at first because it does have SO MUCH information) and a cook book, The Super Allergy Girl Cookbook; Gluten-free Casein-free Nut-free..

Of course, I have adopted several gluten free websites through my research, however, these are my top picks for easy to read information that provided a clear cut guide to what I could and could not eat. It is nice to have resources to help navigate the mysterious food labels out there. For that I am thankful.

Tonight for super my family and I enjoyed a delicious, quick, and easy to prepare dish I found on The Gluten Free Goddess website, Sweet Potato and Black Bean Enchiladas! We absolutely loved them! No meat either. My husband and daughter were a bit cautious about trying this dish, but decided after trying my Mexican Stuffed Sweet Potatoes the other night that it would be okay to try. I am so glad they did. This recipe makes you feel SPOILED!

A Beautiful Morning

2011-02-08T08:58:00.000-08:00

I live in Tacoma, Washington which is not far from Seattle. It rains here A LOT. I had a nice little surprise when I woke up. My birds (sweet little parakeets) were happily singing away to the sunshine peeking in through the mini blinds. It was not raining, in fact it looks beautiful outside. Then I noticed that I am not hurting...anywhere. I am not tired. I do not have a headache. What a wonderful and welcome way to wake up.

I enjoyed a piece of toast from our homemade loaf of bread with a generous amount of almond butter spread on top of it along with a glass of freshly made carrot-apple juice. What more can I ask for in a morning? I am finding myself quite happy and content today. I believe I am going to get out of bed and enjoy the sunshine and my pain-free existence.

Mexi-Stuffed Sweet Potatoes

2011-02-07T18:58:00.000-08:00

Tonight I was feeling very tired and wanting to rest, so I put together a quick and easy dinner for my family that was really yummy! Mexi-stuffed sweet potatoes are just that. I was able to quickly assemble this meal with very little time spent in the kitchen and clean up was a breeze. My family really enjoyed this unexpected adventure in sweet potatoes with a kick.

This recipe is a great way to use left over chicken.

Mexi-Stuffed Sweet Potatoes

4 Sweet Potatoes (Pre-baked)
2 cups Pre-cooked, Shredded chicken
2 tsp. Cumin
1 tsp. Mexican chili powder
1/2 tsp. Ground Coriander
1/2 tsp Salt
2 tsp. Cilantro (roughly minced)
1 15oz can black beans or cooked from dry beans(drained and rinsed)
1 small can mild green chilies (diced)
1 cup Spinach leaves (washed, patted dry, and cut chiffonade style)
1/2 cup tomatoes (diced)
1/2 cup purple onion (finely chopped/diced)
Sour cream (optional, we used homemade plain yogurt)
Shredded rice cheese
Gluten Free Corn Tortilla Chips
Salsa

Directions:

If you baked the sweet potato earlier, re-heat it in the microwave or oven.

Mix shredded chicken, cumin, chili powder, coriander, salt, black beans, and green chilies together well. Head on stove until hot.

Split potato and open it by simultaneously pushing the ends of the potato towards the center of the potato gently. Using a fork - dig around the insides of each sweet potato pulling it away from the skin until it is all fluffy.

Place a generous amount of the shredded chicken mixture (approx 1/2 cup) into the potato to fill and make a small hill on top of the potato.

Top the stuffed baked sweet potato with spinach, diced tomatoes, diced purple onion, and shredded cheese. Add a teaspoon full of sour cream or plain yogurt and sprinkle fresh cilantro over the top.

Serve with a small handful of gluten free corn tortilla chips and a small ramekin of salsa.

We washed our Mexican Stuffed Sweet Potatoes down with a freshly made juice made with those cute little seedless watermelon and blueberries.Frosty and delicious! I have got to remember to bring my camera to the kitchen so I can share some of the pictures from these creations.

The Price of Bread

2011-02-07T12:17:00.000-08:00

Currently, we are shopping at 7 different grocery stores to get everything we need to support our gluten free diet. Luckily, all of the stores are rather close together. I am working to locate a better system in order to purchase all of the wonderful things our bodies need without spending so much time shopping.

I am also hoping to find a way to lower expenses. In reviewing my grocery budget, I have noticed that we are spending a lot more than normal due to our transition to a gluten free diet. I am accepting being over budget for now while we restock our pantry and learn a new way to eat. Hopefully, we will be able to bring the costs down to a reasonable amount in the very near future.

Gluten free shopping is so expensive. My husband and I bought a loaf of gluten free bread at a local bakery for $7.50 several days ago. That is for just one loaf of bread. It was delicious, but the expense was tremendous. We will not do well paying such high prices on unemployment. At this point, we either need to make our own gluten free bread, or go without bread altogether. After having a talk with my sweet husband, we went to the grocery store and picked up a package of Bob's Red Mill Bread Mix for almost $6.00. Of course this is not much less expensive than buying a ready-made loaf of bread from the bakery, but it is where we are starting today.

The bread turned out nice, it was much better than expected to be honest. I guess it is time to start doing more research on how to make gluten free bread so that we can afford to continue eating it. I am scared because I have read in a few places that it is very difficult or tricky to bake gluten free bread. I so badly want to make my families meals enjoyable for them. I do not want them to feel like they are being punished because of my special dietary restrictions.

So the journey begins...

Juicing and Cookies

2011-02-06T21:53:00.000-08:00

I have been reading a lot about food for the past several weeks. My goal is to find the best choices and information for my families dietary intake. Right now I feel as though my world is revolving around food because of the amount of research I am doing. If I am not reading about food, then I am reviewing potential recipes for meal ideas. From there, I am spending hours trying to shop for groceries while reading each and every ingredient label. Both my husband and I read each label and approve the package before it is placed into the buggy. Between the two of us, I believe we are doing quite well avoiding all traces of gluten.

After reviewing all of the benefits of a raw, whole foods diets, my family went shopping for a juicer. We searched high and low and finally decided on a Jack Lalanne's Power Juicer. I really liked how easy it appeared to be able to be taken apart to be cleaned. And, it seemed to be very user friendly. I am hoping that my daughter will be encouraged by this enough to make her own juiced beverages.

Of course, having purchased a juicer means we need to buy something to make juice with so we purchased a large bag of carrots. Upon arriving home, my husband unpacked the juicer for me to wash and dry. Then he washed the carrots and made us each a nice big glass of carrot juice. Now, as he is handing me the glass of carrot juice, my mind flashes back to a year ago when we bought some packaged carrot juice from Costco. I drank a few sips of it and gave it to my husband refusing to drink anymore. I gently reminded myself that carrots are full of good things, and that fresh is always better than store bought, pre-packaged foods. So, I cautiously took a drink of the freshly made carrot juice. It was pretty good! I was rather surprised.

While the carrot juice straight was rather good, I do believe I will prefer a blended carrot juice rather than straight carrot juice. So, my sweet husband agreed next time he will add other fruits and vegetables to my juice and experiment until we find ones we all enjoy. My daughter did not like straight carrot juice, but agreed to try a blended carrot juice later. My husband, of course, loved the straight carrot juice and finished his glass, along with my glass. Thankfully, the juice did not go to waste.

Later that evening we enjoyed fresh out of the oven Gluten Free Sunflower Butter Cookies. When I was a young girl, I was involved in a church group known as Missionette's which is very similar in many ways to a religious Girl Scout or Camp Fire Girl group,. One of the things that I needed to do in order to earn my cooking badge was to collect a lot of recipes (I am sure there was a particular number of recipes that I was to collect, but that information escapes me all these years later). One of the recipes that I collected was for Peanut Butter Cookies without flour. I remember thinking how odd it seemed to make cookies without flour, but the recipe was so simple, I kept it and used it often. My children have enjoyed these cookies for years.

Now that I am no longer able to eat foods with gluten, I am reminded of those peanut butter cookies that did not require flour. I decided to make them with my youngest daughter this evening because I had a touch of a sweet tooth and was feeling a bit gloomy about not being able to purchase many of my favorite things when we were shopping earlier today. It seemed as though everything I touched in the Costco had some form of gluten in it. I had managed to become slightly depressed. While I know it is not a good thing to feed depression with sugary foods, I decided it would be alright tonight.

I looked into the cabinet and was reminded that we now have several Nut Butters. Peanut butter, almond butter, and sunflower butter. The sunflower butter was the least expensive so I decided to try that one in this recipe.

Gluten Free Nut Butter Cookies

One cup peanut butter, almond butter, sunflower butter, or other nut butter
One cup sugar (I used organic pure cane sugar)
One teaspoon baking powder (aluminum free)
One egg (I use cage free)

Pre-heat the Oven to 350°.

Mix all ingredients together until creamy and well blended. Once all ingredients are mixed together well, put a little butter or cooking spray on your hands (this is to keep the dough from sticking to you - ICKY). Roll dough into balls about 1 1/2" to 2" across. Place on greased cookie sheet two finger widths apart. Once you have an entire cookie sheet filled, take a fork and mash down gently twice to make "#" on each cookie. Place in oven and bake for approx 8-10 minutes. Remove from oven and cool on baking rack.

I am so happy to be able to keep a recipe from my past and continue using it. Although there was no conversion needed for this recipe, I am hopeful my other tried and true recipes will be easily converted to gluten free.

Gluten Free Diet - Day 7

2011-02-03T00:43:00.000-08:00

Today is the end of our first full week of eating gluten free. We made it. I was worried that it would be difficult to remove the gluten from our diet, but am starting to realize that with just a little thought and advanced preparation, eating gluten free is not all that difficult.

For breakfast this morning, we had gluten free boxed cold cereal with Rice Dream rice milk. Breakfast was very late, almost at lunch time because of yesterdays late night homework-a-thon. This caused me to have breakfast for lunch.

For dinner, I decided to try my hand at baking fresh hot buttermilk biscuits to go with my husbands tasty omelets. I decided to use my normal recipe but simply to substitute the wheat flour with GF All Purpose flour. I noticed that the consistency reminded me of sugar cookies. The dough was not super sticky like I was accustomed to with wheat flour. I baked them for the same amount of time. The only change was that I used gf flour and that the biscuits were baked 25 degrees lower.

My family has decided that these gf biscuits are actually more light and tender than the ones made with the wheat flour. They were very yummy! What a wonderful way to end our first full week of living gluten free!

Gluten Free Diet - Day 6

2011-02-02T04:45:00.000-08:00

Another day free from pain. I want so badly to believe that this new diet is what is making me not hurt. I want to believe that I have found the answer to why I have been so sick. I am also scared to believe. I am so afraid that it is just a coincidence and that I am going to wake up in a day or two back in pain. But I realize that fear won't get me anywhere so I keep pressing forward.

This morning, I started with a small glass of cold almond milk, sunflower butter on the last of the cinnamon bread, and thin slices of a Fuji apple. I have a school project that I am working on, so I have been rather preoccupied trying to get that done.

At lunch, my husband put together beautiful taco salads using left over ground chicken, white beans, spinach, organic corn chips from Trader Joe's, and rice cheese. I have really grown to enjoy the taco salads my husband makes me for lunch, but for some reason this one really hit the spot. Maybe because I was so hungry from all of that homework.

As the day continued, it became apparent that my homework was going to take the entire day and night. Thankfully, I had made plenty of salmon croquettes the night before so we were able to have left over salmon croquettes with a spinach and pear salad my daughter prepared and spiral sliced sweet potato fries my husband was craving. Dinner was delicious, and my homework was taking forever to complete.

Finally, at 4:30am on Day 7, I was finally finished with my school homework and able to go to sleep. It had been a very long day.

Gluten Free Diet - Day 5

2011-01-31T19:47:00.000-08:00

I woke up feeling absolutely fabulous this morning! I am not in any pain, my head is clear, my tummy is not upset, my joints and muscles are behaving themselves and not screaming in pain. Life is good. I still am not ready to count my chickens and say it is due to a gf diet, however, I am very thankful to have a day free from pain.

I noticed something else this morning. My sweet daughter was cheerful as she woke up for school this morning. She used to be sweet in the mornings, but several years ago, she turned into a very unfriendly and angry monster every morning. Mid-day that monster would be replaced by my sweet angel, only to have a mean monster return before bedtime. I learned recently that she was skipping not only breakfast, but also skipping lunch on most days. If I packed a lunch for her, she was simply not eating it.

This weekend, she worked hard with me to make sure she was eating every meal and even snacks throughout the day. Her attitude became sweeter and she even was happy to help with chores around the house. Yes, I heard sirens going off screaming "Danger Will Robinson... Danger!" but she was chipper and pleasant.

After dinner last night, she went in and began assembling her lunch for today in her brand new Tiffin. She decided to take left over falafel, wild rice, raw cauliflower, radishes, and turnips, along with some corn chips and salsa. she then helped me finish the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen. She went to bed on time without argument. I was thrilled.

My daughter is also embracing this new way of eating happily. She has asked that I make her favorite salmon croquettes for dinner tonight. I promised I would. So that is what I will be doing. Finding a way to turn what is normally a non-gluten friendly meal into a gf meal. Today I am spending time researching methods to change recipes to gf friendly so I can keep my promise to my daughter.

For breakfast this morning, my husband and I enjoyed more of that yummy cinnamon bread with sunflower nut butter and slices of Fuji apple on top with a nice 1/2 glass of cold almond milk. My husband also enjoyed some of the left over quinoa breakfast with apples and cinnamon that was in the fridge.

The day was rather quiet as I worked on a school assignment which is due later today. My husband spent most of his day reviewing job listings. We both were laid off of our jobs earlier this month so we are both looking for employment again. Not necessarily a fun place to be, but it is where we are at this moment in time.

For lunch today, my husband and I realized that our refrigerator is full of left overs, so we happily ate a combination of things from the past several days. I actually enjoy eating left overs, especially if I enjoyed the food the first time around. I drank a little bit of apple juice mid afternoon while I worked on my paper for school to give me a little boost.

When my daughter came home from school, she was in a great mood. She was laughing and enjoyable to talk with. She had a quick snack of apple juice, corn chips and salsa. Later she happily picked up her bedroom, started a load of her laundry, and then took her dog for a nice walk. I am still amazed at how my child is behaving. Her demeanor has not been this pleasant for quite some time now, so I am thankfully accepting her being so compliant, sweet, and helpful.

For our dinner tonight, we enjoyed GF Salmon Croquettes with GF Dill Sauce, with brown rice, and sauteed zucchini, red bell pepper, and walla walla sweet onion.

I am pleased to say that I actually like my adaptations even better than what I was doing before. I crushed GF cereal until I had crunchy bread crumbs and used extra GF All Purpose Flour, however, what I ended up with was a nice and firm salmon patty that did not break up on the griddle. This I loved. I have a serious dislike for having the salmon croquettes break up all over the hot stove, so this is a good thing. Not a single one of my croquettes were harmed in creating this dinner. I am happy.

GF Salmon Croquettes

2011-01-31T19:43:00.001-08:00

I first learned of salmon croquettes when I moved to Mississippi in the summer of 1991. My mother-in-law, shared many of her southern recipes with me before she passed away. Although I have made this recipe my own with a few small adaptations, it is originally from my late mother-in-law's recipes that she handed down to me. Of course the most recent change to the recipe was to remove all gluten. I am happy to be able to continue this southern family tradition.

One of the changes I have made in Pat's original recipe was to buy the salmon fresh, not to use canned salmon. Living in Seattle, fresh salmon is fairly inexpensive and readily available so this change made good sense. I believe in trying to buy as many of my ingredients fresh and local as possible. I don't like to buy things that have been trucked in or imported. I also try to avoid processed foods. Additives and preservatives are not always necessary. By using fresh salmon, not canned salmon, I am improving the quality of the food I am feeding to my family and keeping it environmentally friendly.

Another change I have made to the original recipe is to remove celery. I just don't find it necessary. Some people do. This is not something that I feel makes a big difference to the final flavor. I did find an improvement in the flavor by adding shallots along with bell pepper to the recipe.

Originally, this recipe contained Ritz crackers and flour. Although it would be easy to make the recipe with gf versions of these items, I see dollar signs when I review the different gf crackers for sale in the grocery store. My goal with converting this recipe is to keep the recipe economically friendly.

GF Salmon Croquettes

3 pounds fresh salmon
2 large eggs, beaten well
1 shallot, minced tiny
3-4 cloves garlic, grated
1 red bell pepper, minced tiny
1/2 cup gf bread crumbs (I used crushed gf cereal)
4 tablespoons Bob's Red Mill All-Purpose Gluten-Free Baking Flour
4 teaspoons Old Bay Seasoning
2 teaspoons thyme

Yields: Approximately 16 patties (4 inch wide/1 inch thick)

Serve with my GF Homemade Dill Sauce.

Step 1: Carefully remove skin and bones from salmon.

Step 2: Cut Salmon into 2 inch squares and place in food processor.

Step 3: Using pulse on food processor, give a rough grind to the salmon until it is in a hamburger like consistency.

Step 4: Place ground salmon into very large bowl. Add ingredients. Mix well.

Step 5: Grease cast iron griddle and bring to nice hot temperature. If it is smoking, it is too hot, turn the temperature down a little bit.

Step 6: Form patties from the salmon mixture and place them onto hot griddle. Wash hands. Pour olive oil around outside of patties mid-way through cooking on one side to help keep patties from sticking. When there are nice brown charred marks on salmon patty, flip to cook the other side. Immediately add more olive oil to the griddle around the patties to help keep patties from sticking. This also adds a nice flavor to the croquettes.

Step 7: One by one, remove salmon patties from the grill and place onto a plate lined with paper towel to absorb any extra oil.

GF Salmon Croquettes

2011-01-31T19:43:00.000-08:00

Almond Milk

2011-01-31T13:29:00.000-08:00

As we begin this journey through removing gluten and dairy from our household diets, we are learning new tricks. Having always been foodies, my husband and I immediately began to research what we could eat and how to cook with our new dietary restrictions. We read several recipes on how to make almond milk, but finally adapted several different versions to better suit our taste preferences.

The almond milk is absolutely wonderful in homemade hot cocoa and in cereals. I personally have taken to drinking this yummy milk several times a day. It is the exact pick me up I seem to need periodically throughout out the day.

Almond Milk

2/3 cup Raw Almonds (blanched with skins removed)
4 cups water
1 vanilla bean or 2 teaspoons vanilla
1/8 teaspoon sea salt
6 - 7 dates (optional: to sweeten the almond milk)

Yields: 4 1/2 cups Almond Milk

Step 1: Blanch the almonds.
Place almonds in a shallow skillet with about 1 to 2 cups water and boil for approximately 3 minutes to blanch the almonds. Drain water and allow almonds to cool.

Step 2: Remove the almond skin.
Once cool enough to touch bare handed, gently remove almond skins with your fingers. The skins will just rub off rather easily at this point.

Step 3: Make the almond milk.
Place the blanched and naked almonds into the blender with 4 cups water and the salt. Blend on high for about 2 - 3 minutes. Blend until all of the almonds are broken down into a fine paste.

Step 4: Add dates to sweeten milk.
Remove seeds from dates and then drop into blender with the almond milk. We prefer to use 6 to 7 dates per batch, however, your preference might be different. Blend on high until dates are fully incorporated (1 - 2 minutes).

Step 5: Strain the almond milk.
Using a fine mesh strainer lined with cheese cloth, strain the almond milk through the strainer. We strain our milk twice to get a very clean milk without almond pulp floating in it. Reserve almond pulp.

Step 6: Place almond milk in fridge.
Place almond milk in a nice covered pitcher or jar that is easy to pour from. The almond milk should be fine in the fridge for 3-4 days, although ours has not made it past 2 days. We love it!

Step 7: Store the almond pulp.
Place almond pulp in a covered container in the fridge. We use the almond pulp in our cereal, but this just as easily could be used in cookies or a dip.

Gluten Free Diet - Day 4

2011-01-30T19:41:00.000-08:00

As I opened my eyes this morning, I heard my parakeets singing away. The sun was peeking in through the blinds through our bedroom window above my vanity. And as I moved to sit up, I noticed that my knees and ankles were not feeling stiff, sore, or swollen. My shoulders are not hurting. I don't have a headache. My lower back is a bit spastic and stiff, but otherwise, I am not in pain. I also noticed something else rather strange...I was so hungry. I am not normally hungry when I wake up in the mornings. In fact, I am one to skip breakfast much of the time. Now in my defense, I have taken to having smoothies for breakfast since June of last year. So eating breakfast daily is not something totally new. I just usually have to force feed myself that smoothie each morning.

As my husband woke up, I announced I was starving to death. I simply laughed and made his way to the kitchen to make his coffee and start breakfast. He is the one that insisted that I start eating breakfast daily. This morning, he prepared Creamy Rice Hot Cereal for breakfast with Organic Raw Blue Agave Syrup and a half glass of cold almond milk.

I was a little disappointed I must admit. The cream of rice has a consistency similar to grits. I had so truly hoped that it would be almost the same as having cream of wheat. I grew up eating cream of wheat for breakfast and it has always been a comfort food for me. I ate it daily during pregnancy with all three of my children. I even ate it when I was in labor with the oldest child.

How am I going to get past not having my cream of wheat cereal if I cannot find a good substitute for it? I wanted to panic, but at the same time quietly told myself to get a grip. Life is not about cream of wheat. I will find other thing to enjoy. I might even find foods that I enjoy even more than cream of wheat. More than cream of wheat?

Later in the day, I realized that I was hungry again, so my husband spread almond butter on the cinnamon bread and sliced Fuji apples very thin to place on top of the peanut butter. Lunch is served! I drank a full glass of water with it, but it was delicious and just what I needed.

For dinner we had a nice and quick meal. Organic Polenta covered with ground chicken and Classico Tomato and Basil pasta sauce along with a salad made with spinach, red bell peppers, zucchini, and sliced almonds for dinner. Super quick and easy, but it was nice to have a quiet evening with a super quick and easy meal.

Just a note about eating tomatoes with IC, I have found that if I eat tomatoes with certain brands and not a large quantity of it, I still need to take Prelief to keep the foods acidity from causing me harm. This is a wonderful little aid to help me be able to enjoy a small amount of lemon or tomatoes in my foods. I certainly cannot overdue it, but it does allow me to eat a little bit of the things I enjoy without causing further damage to myself.

We had a snack later in the evening consisting of hummus and Boulder Canyon Chipotle Cheese Snack Chips. We found these chips at our local Costco on our shopping adventure. They are delicious! The flavor is not spicy hot like you might imagine. The hummus was a wonderful dip to complement our snack.

Gluten Free Diet - Day 3

2011-01-29T23:52:00.000-08:00

This morning began with a nice glass of delicious cold almond milk. I am finding that I look forward to my morning almond milk and that I feel better after drinking it. I am trying not to read too much into these seemingly small things, but simply taking note of them for now. Yes, I am a very skeptical person, I don't like to jump to conclusions quickly. As my husband went downstairs to start breakfast, I began working on some school work on my laptop.

For breakfast we enjoyed gf cinnamon bread (purchased fresh from a local bakery) with Organic Almond Butter spread on top of it, scrambled eggs, and 1/2 cup of blueberries. Normally, I nibble at my breakfast and don't eat much because I get nauseous, however, I managed to eat nearly the whole plate (minus a small corner of my cinnamon bread).

Today was a fairly lazy day as I worked on school work and watched a few movies on Netflix. We have found ourselves taken with a mini-series called, Undercover Bosses. We do not generally watch reality type shows and do not subscribe to cable televisions. Well...let me back up. Our cable provider charges us $15 less on our internet if we subscribe to basic cable, so even with basic cable, the grand total bill is $15.00 less than it would be without the basic cable. So, yes, technically we do subscribe to cable. However, our televisions are not plugged into the cable. We use the internet. Even our teen-aged daughter is not concerned with what is on the television. We do watch movies via Netflix or our Blockbuster DVD's that we receive in the mail each week, but we don't simply watch television.

Mid-morning, we noticed we were feeling a little hungry so my husband brought up IC friendly Fuji apples for us to snack on along with the last Pumpkin Pesto cracker from Marlene's Market Deli for us to split. He also brought me a small glass of cold almond milk. Isn't he amazing?!

I took a nap not long after our morning snack as I was still exhausted from all of the activity yesterday. I did notice that even though I was exhausted, I still felt as though I had more energy than normal. Again, I am waiting to count any chickens or admit that this gf diet might be helping. I want to see more evidence in my health before I let myself get too excited. I guess I am afraid of being disappointed and finding that it did not help me at all. I am so hoping that this will fix my health issues and I won't be in bed so much of the time, hurting, and tired. I don't want to get my hopes up.

After my nap, my husband made our lunch. Although I am not supposed to have tomatoes, we have found that I generally do not have trouble with the Classico Pasta Sauce Tomato & Basil so we do use that in moderation from time to time. He used Trader Joe's Organic Brown Rice Pasta Fusilli noodles with browned ground chicken meat, topped with a rice mozzarella cheese, and sauteed zucchini and red bell pepper together for a yummy side dish to go with it. We were very pleased with the Fusilli noodles. We were afraid that we would not care for them. The one thing that we did notice is that they do not have the rich flavor that whole wheat noodles had, however, with a good sauce, these noodles will be wonderful. Although it was a very quick and simple meal, it was exactly what was needed.

I found my energy levels were soaring (well for me they were). I got up and cleaned the entire kitchen and did dishes. I then made dinner for the family. I made Falafel, hummus, corn tortillas, wild rice, green salad with spinach zucchini, red bell peppers, and almond slices. The salad dressing was a gf blue cheese that we already had in the fridge prior to the diet change. My husband came in just before I finished preparing dinner and put together a dip for the falafel made from a Walla Walla Sweet Onion and Poppy Seed salad dressing in the fridge that is made here locally, some roasted red bell peppers, water, shallots, olive oil, salt, and Bob's Red Mill All-Purpose GF Flour. Dinner was really good. Both my husband and I were pleased with the outcome. I was pleasantly surprised when my daughter who is a very picky eater looked at me and said, "Mom, may I please have more falafel?" That just made my day!

After dinner, we watched a movie together and had vanilla bean ice cream. Again, I became immediately aware of a reaction taking place. The mucus, the wheezing, the nausea. I also managed to get a headache not long afterward. Now, I am trying to be cautious and not jump to conclusions, but I am really starting to feel that this is isolated to dairy in my diet. My husband and I are going to talk about this more tomorrow, but for now, I am exhausted and ready to get some well deserved sleep. It has been a good day.

Gluten Free Diet - Day 2

2011-01-28T22:54:00.000-08:00

Today started out rather well. My joints were not quite as sore as the past several weeks and my head was not pounding nearly as bad either. I don't know why for sure, but I'll take it. I quickly unloaded the dishwasher and re-loaded it with last nights dishes. Then I "rebooted" the laundry (meaning I put the wet towels into the dryer and a comforter into the washer).

My sweet husband prepared our breakfast, Cinnamon/Apple Quinoa breakfast cereal. It smells great! We had tried Quinoa on a different occasion and decided we did not care for it, however, it is quite possible that we needed to prepare it differently in order to appreciate the grain properly so we are trying it again. This time around, we both found it to be enjoyable and we will be eating this one again. I am excited to try other new Quinoa recipes in the future.

We had errands to run today, including another dental appointment for my husband, so the day was filled with activity. I still had trouble keeping up and knew I was over doing it. We picked up some fresh vegetables from a local fruit market and found some wonderful deals. The red bell peppers were 2 for $1.00 so of course I picked up several. The sweet potatoes were also on sale. By this time, I was in need of a nap, so we headed home.

For lunch we had a beautiful taco salad with organic corn chips, homemade white chicken chili, spinach lettuce, homemade yogurt (as sour cream), and a Monterrey Jack cheese. My husband topped his with tomato and salsa as well. Very yummy. I love homemade chili. This was a mild chili with no tomatoes or hot spices so my IC will hopefully stay quiet as well. I do miss my tomatoes. We have read that home grown tomatoes might be okay for some IC individuals because it will contain less acidity. We have a greenhouse in the back yard, so we are growing tomato plants. We hope it will work for me. I miss my tomatoes badly.

In our greenhouse, we are also growing herbs, zucchini, bell peppers, radishes, spinach, and baby Parisian carrots. We have growth but no fruit yet. We are hoping to keep a healthy supply of vegetables on hand while lowering our overall budget for organic foods. My husband is wonderful about keeping up with the day to day watering and care of the garden. I am not always able to go outside to tend to the garden. I hope that soon I will be able to work in the garden with him. We have a nice back yard that will certainly need tending this spring.

I had forgotten my daughter had an appointment early afternoon so I did not get a nap. After her appointment, we decided to go on a gf field trip of sorts with my daughter to show her what gf means, how to look for gf friendly foods, and what to look for when reading a label. She was a real trooper. She got in there and read labels with us and checked everything she thought was okay with my husband and I for final approval. She did become discouraged before the shopping trip was complete because most of her favorite foods were no longer something that would be brought into the house.

She did help us locate a good juicer so that we would not spend so much on fresh juices. The prices for fresh organic juice will break our bank quickly if we are not careful. So, we make our own juice. We discussed the prices for the foods that we will be able to eat and how juicing is actually more healthy especially if the juice is drank immediately after it is juiced. My daughter is excited to be able to help us come up with new juice ideas. We plan to involve her in as much of the planning and tasting as possible. We let her know this was a family effort and all members have to be involved in the taste testing process for it to work. She seemed very happy that we were including her in this, and smiled big throughout the store.

We did go by Marlene's Market Deli and picked up a Tiffin and Reusable Bamboo Utensil Set for my daughter to take her lunch to school. She is very excited about the shiny new bento style lunch box. I am thinking I will make a custom carrying bag for her Tiffin. The ones at Marlene's Market Deli were $40 and I am simply too frugal to pay that much for a small fabric bag. I will post once I make the Tiffin bag. This will require a trip to the fabric store (not that I am complaining at all).

When we arrived back home late afternoon I was simply exhausted. I had overdone it and was hurting. We put away the groceries and then enjoyed a nice glass of organic carrot juice from Trader Joe's along with these really yummy gf crackers we purchased from Marlene's Market Deli. They have Pumpkin seeds and pesto in them and have such wonderful flavor. Even my teen-aged daughter loved the crackers. We were surprised about that but also thankful.

My daughter tried the carrot juice, she does not like it straight. She has agreed to try it mixed with perhaps apple juice or some thing else. She has not given up on carrot juice, just in drinking it straight. This is a good thing as well. My husband and I however, enjoy the flavor in straight carrot juice. It is going to be interesting to see how things progress and what juices she will like. I am trying to get her away from sugar drinks. She has accepted the removal of soda and sugar drinks rather well. I am encouraged.

For dinner, my husband prepared a lovely dinner for us consisting of red snapper (pan seared), wild rice, sweet potato cubes,and Sesame-Garlic Mochi by Grainaissance. Dinner was delicious. The mochi was okay, we might try it again. It is very different than bread we have been accustomed to in the past so of course things that are new are strange to our taste buds at times. We didn't dislike the mochi like we did the other day with the rice bread, so that is a plus.

Later that evening, we each had a few scoops of vanilla bean ice cream. I immediately noticed that I was possibly experiencing a reaction to the dairy. My sinuses went into over drive and I became very nauseous. I have felt like this frequently after eating, but always attributed it to the weight loss surgery I had in March 2000. I had always felt like this was something I had to simply deal with to have the weight loss surgery. Tonight, I have decided to question that belief. I am going to test a few more nights with dairy ice cream to see if I only have that reaction when I eat the ice cream. Then I will try it with a glass of milk. If that is the only time I am experiencing this reaction, I will remove the dairy from my diet as well. We had already discussed that dairy needs to be avoided as it is an inflammation causing food, but I was going to wait before removing it completely until we could grow more accustomed to our gf diet. Now, I find myself questioning the logic in that.

Gluten Free Diet - Day 1

2011-01-27T23:41:00.000-08:00

This morning, I woke up to a small glass of fresh, homemade almond milk that my sweet husband made for me last night. It was super yummy. The dates added just enough sweetness (it was NOT yummy without the dates). Breakfast was a basic scrambled egg with mushrooms and onions and Monterrey Jack cheese. I also drank a full glass of water. Bleh.

Water. This is a new thing. I know I should have been drinking more water with my IC, I just really dislike the taste of water. We have a nice water dispenser that provides either nice cool water or hot water with the push of a button but I still don't care for the taste of water. Because my husband was giving up both cokes and beer and will be giving up caffeinated coffee once he runs out of the beans he currently has, I agreed to give up root beer - the one last thing I was allowed (in moderation of course) on my IC diet that I held on to tightly.

Although I was only supposed to be drinking it in moderation, I was mostly drinking root beers due to my severe dislike of water. Thankfully, my daughter and my husband love water. This is going to be an adjustment period for me. I am sure after a few weeks to a month, I will not have such a dislike for water. For now, I will just get past it and deal.

Today we need to run a few errands and take my husband to the dentist, however, when we get home we plan to clean out the kitchen cabinets. I am giving a friend my gluten-based foods. By cleaning the kitchen out of any of the dangerous gluten, I am preventing the opportunity to forget or become lazy in this journey. My health is too important to allow myself to backslide or take this like another "diet" plan to lose weight. This is so much more.

After the dentist and before going home for lunch, we stopped by Trader Joe's to do a little GF shopping adventure. We managed to pick up several things to try. Reading labels in the store was quite discouraging, but together as a team, we still made it a fun time for both of us. Next door to the Trader Joe's was a bakery that has one different loaf of GF bread in stock each day. Today's bread was a cinnamon chip bread. I tasted it and it was really good. The taste and texture was much like bread should be. We bought the loaf. I am hoping my daughter will enjoy this with her breakfast tomorrow.

On our way home, we shared a white chocolate hot cocoa from Starbucks after reading the packaging to ensure it was GF. It was a nice treat and gave me a little energy as I was starting to feel just a tad run down and hungry. I did not want to eat out for fear of eating something not GF friendly, so the hot cocoa was a nice little pick me up. Reminder to self: Take GF friendly snack foods along when leaving house.

Immediately upon returning home, my husband carried in the groceries while I got started on the cabinets. We went through each and every cabinet bagging up anything that was not completely GF friendly. If the label mentioned even a trace or possibility of a trace of gluten, it was bagged. Several bags later, the pantry was cleaned out and only GF friendly foods remained. Next on the agenda was lunch. We were both quite hungry. I was out of energy and very fatigued. I knew I needed to eat but I wanted to sleep even more. I went upstairs and got into bed while my husband made us both a sandwich. We had a GF Turkey Sandwich with Ener-G Foods Light Tapioca Loaf made by Ener G, spinach and almond cheddar cheese with Vegenaisefor lunch. The bread was gross. We decided that maybe the bread was useful for croutons or toast, but definitely not for sandwiches. It was dry and tasted stale. I did not care for the smell either.

I managed to force half of the sandwich down and then picked the meat off of the second half of the sandwich and ate it as well for added protein. I drank an entire glass of water down because the bread felt stuck in my throat. It was really gross. By this time, I was dozing off, so I cuddled up in the pillows and pulled the comforter up over me and took a nice nap. I woke up to my husband bringing me dinner in bed. He is so good to me! Dinner smelled so wonderful, that is the first thought that came to my mind when I smelled our dinner. While I slept, my sweet husband had went downstairs, cleaned up the house a bit, and prepared dinner for my daughter and me. Because we had planned out the menu, I was a bit excited to try this new recipe. I know we would never have considered trying this recipe prior to deciding to go GF, but I am so glad we did.

For dinner, we had sweet potato and black bean enchiladas with homemade black refried beans. To drink, we each had 3/4 glass of 100% organic carrot juice that we picked up at Trader Joe's. I was really concerned about this, so I waited to try it until after my dinner was over, I drank the water instead. When I tasted the carrot juice, I expected it to be quite nasty, instead, I was pleasantly surprised with the nice flavor, the texture, and the smell. It was delicious and was a nice addition to the meal.

I was disappointed when I went through the cabinet today and read all the labels that were in my pantry. The brand of refried black beans I was accustomed to contained wheat. Thankfully, the cans of whole black bean in the cabinet were free of any wheat so we were able to use that for our dinner this evening. In the future, we will simply soak beans the day before as an additional cost savings. We noticed that GF foods are very high in price. We are looking at making most everything from scratch to keep costs down. I don't want our dietary restrictions to change our budget in a negative way. I have already determined that this new lifestyle will take a lot of research and understanding if our budget is to survive.

Tonight I have begun researching GF product manufacturers. I am looking for the best quality as well as the best price I can find for those foods. I am a bit disappointed with the bread because I was hopeful due to it being made here locally in the Seattle area. I prefer to purchase locally if at all possible. I believe I will call the company and inquire a bit more about their products. Even still I fear we will be making our own breads. I am very unhappy with the prices for GF bread. Although the cinnamon chip bread I purchased today is super yummy, I cannot afford $7 a loaf for bread. That simply does not work with our budget.

I have been told life is about change. Well, here we are, in the midst of change. Day 1 is nearly complete and it has been a success. As I finish my research for the night, and prepare to post this blog, I am sipping on more of that yummy almond milk my husband made. He promises hot cocoa with it very soon. I am looking forward to it. Life is good.

A Mother's Nightmare

2010-12-02T09:00:00.001-08:00

As difficult as it is to understand, there comes a time in each mothers life that she realizes that she can no longer do anything to help her child. Her child is grown. Sometimes, this is a wonderful thing, the child has met the challenges and is ready to face the world.

In other situations, the child is no where near the place of adulthood, except by age. The children that are in this category are not yet matured as a young adult should be, and they are generally ill-prepared to take on the challenges of adulthood. As a parent, it is very difficult to sit back and watch your child as he or she takes on the world, yet does not have the understanding or self-restraint needed to effectively make the decisions and use good judgment needed. It is so hard not to interfere and try to control their decisions and choices. Especially when they are hurting themselves by making poor choices.

There comes a time, when as a parent, you have to let go and let your child be the adult they are regardless of their choices. There comes a time when you have to let go and accept that you no longer get to choose.

I am waiting for the day that I can accept this. This is one of the hardest lessons I believe I have had to learn. How to let go.

Metallic-Inked Clothing Vs. TSA Scanners: A Possible Way to Rebel?

2010-12-01T10:44:00.000-08:00

As an American, I am outraged at the process that is required to travel in the United States. American's are being treated like terrorists in our own country, however, foreigners traveling into the United States do NOT have to undergo the same physical searches and molestations by the government that the Americans do. I find this insulting to think that the actual citizens of America are scrutinized more than citizens of other nations. I personally believe this is a very sad thing. As a citizen of the United States of America, I am saddened that the rights of the citizens are being violated. The 4th amendment of the Constitution clearly states that we should be free from these types of unreasonable searches.

I wanted to share an article I found this morning with you, it is one way for Americans to respond to the TSA agents without being rude. While this may be one way of responding, I do not know how the TSA agents will respond to such clothing items being worn and if this will require additional molestation and exploratory searches (opps, excuse me pat down searches) to be performed. I am simply sharing something I found online that I found to be interesting. If you choose to purchase and use these items at the airport, please understand I do not accept any responsibility for what the US government or the TSA agents will do to retaliate against you.

Sign of the Times: Metallic-Inked Undies Give TSA a Constitutional Middle Finger

All the Kings Horses, and All the Kings Men...

2010-06-01T03:27:00.000-07:00

It started with the most beautiful wedding ceremony and an amazing wedding night. The very next day, after my new husband and I arrived back home and started to prepare dinner, my 17 year old daughter called me crying and hysterical.

They are putting Dad in an ambulance she said. He is not breathing. They say he drowned. Mom, I'm scared.

I listened to all of this and it seemed that time stood still. My daughter and her father lived in Texas. I was living in Seattle. My daughter had only the year before moved down to stay with her father while asserting some independence. My ex-husband and I had managed to resolve our differences and had thankfully become very close friends again. As I listened to the words my daughter was saying, my heart sank and I felt sick to my stomach. My head started pounding and I became dizzy.

Somehow I managed to keep my own emotions at bay and quickly take charge. I quickly let my new husband know what was happening and asked him to contact his sister and see if she would go to the hospital to sit with my daughter. She lives in the same town and it would be several hours before I would be able to get to her. I did not want her to be alone right now.

It was not long before the police were questioning my daughter and discussing the need to place her in foster care until I could arrive. I managed to convince the police officer that my daughter would be fine at my new sister in laws home until I could make it down the next day. I retained custody of my child, but it seemed to take a lot of convincing before the police officer would leave her alone and agree she did not have to go to foster care.

I booked a ticket to fly to my daughter and began making phone calls, looking for telephone numbers for people important to him. People that he would want to know. I did not go to bed that night, I couldn't sleep.

My heart ached for this man I spent such a huge chunk of my life with. We raised my three children together including our daughter. We had only been divorced a few years. Memories flooded my mind as I spoke to the emergency room doctor and the different specialists over the phone. They were saying it appeared he had no brain activity. They wanted to wait until tomorrow and see if things changed if the swelling in his brain went down, but little to no hope was offered. I was told then that he likely would not make it through the night.

As I boarded the airplane I felt like I was falling and had the wind knocked out of me. Here I was a newly wed and I was leaving my new husband and going to my ex-husbands bedside to say goodbye for the last time. This could not be for real. This could not be happening. The amount of pain I felt in my heart seemed beyond what I could bear.

I tried hard not to allow myself to cry because I was scared of traveling on an airplane with all of the TSA rules and regulations. I was fearful if I was crying that it might draw attention to me and somehow make me be a person of concern or something horribly awful. So I sat there trying to keep quiet and bottled up. Aching.

The plane stopped in Phoenix for a layover. I called my daughter to find out the latest updates on her father. She informed me that his sister and step-mother had arrived along with several extended family members. She was in tears as she told me her Aunt gave her an ultimatum - don't let your Mama in to say goodbye to your father or else you will be excluded from any and all decisions regarding your father.

His sister had never liked me. It had always been a relationship of avoidance and hostility. She sat there trying to convince my child that she should not move back home with me but rather to move in with her because her mother was a horrible person. My daughter was offended and hurt. Not only was her father dying and her aunt was being so selfish and mean to her. She told me that she knew her father would want me to say goodbye and that she would do what her father would have wanted and what I needed, even if it meant that she would have no say so regarding her fathers final resting place.

I finally arrived in Dallas where I met my daughter and sister-in-law at the airport. They quickly drove me to the apartment where I picked up my ex-husbands truck and took my daughter and I to the hospital. It was late so all of his other family members had went to rest in their hotel rooms. For that, I was thankful. I needed this time to cry and say goodbye to the man that meant so much to me. The man that I loved and fought with, and finally left.

I told him I loved him. I told him I was angry with him. He had finally done the one thing I was so afraid he would do, he drank himself to death. My ex-husband was an alcoholic. I left him because of his alcoholism. I was so afraid for so many years that the alcohol would kill him in the end, and my greatest fears were a reality. I kissed his head and told him I would always love him. I told him I hoped he could now find peace. I felt so guilty. My daughter had shared with me that he had been drinking pretty badly the day of my wedding and all the next day. He was really upset because I was getting remarried. He just kept drinking. He used to play a song, in fact he sent it to me saying the song was about us. That song is called Whiskey Lullaby. I wish it weren't true. But I know in my heart that he could not accept that our divorce was final.

The next several days were pretty tough. I packed the apartment and had my husband fly down to help me load a large truck with all of my daughter and her fathers belongings. I then drove back home to Seattle and rented a new home for us all to live in while we tried to piece our hearts and lives back together again. My daughter was a trooper, but she was so brokenhearted. She was hurting even worse due to the way her aunt had treated her. Her aunt was so worried about getting anything of any value that she might could sell or keep for herself that she forgot to think about the damage she was doing to my daughter, her niece.

It was only 4 months until my daughters 18th birthday, yet her aunt kept treating her as if she were 6 and had no rights to anything. She even grabbed my daughters purse at one point and took out her fathers wallet and kept it along with her fathers key ring. My daughter wanted to keep the wallet itself as she had given that to her father as a gift. She has requested it back, but it has not shown up. They took his gun and then screamed that we must be hiding his other guns from them. We looked through the entire house but could only find the one handgun. This was handed to them simply to get them to shut up. They were already stealing the truck, boat, boat motor, trailer, and motorcycle from my daughter. Legally everything belonged to my daughter as his only heir, yet these extended family members came to yell at my daughter and try to take everything of value away from her.

I will say that there were two great-aunts that were kind and understanding to both my daughter and myself. I have always loved these beautiful ladies and will always be so appreciative to them for not getting involved and for trying to be there for both my daughter and I while all of this was going on.

In the end, her aunt and her step-grandmother did not let her know when the memorial service would be. None of the details for the memorial were provided until well after we were heading home. We waited several days before leaving so we could attend. They did not want my daughter to bring her mother (me), and true to their word, since she allowed me to say goodbye to her father, they left her out of the actual memorial service.

My sweet daughter is so broken-hearted. Not only has she lost her Daddy, but because of this, she has lost her entire other side of her family. She knows that those who choose to be so greedy and mean are not people she wishes to have a relationship with. I only hope I can help her heal as we both walk through the coming weeks and months together. We will both miss the man we loved so deeply. Nothing will ever bring him back. But, he will live in our hearts forever.

The Aden and Caitlyn Show!

2010-01-22T08:40:00.000-08:00

We are getting married! Well, at least as far as we are concerned it is marriage. We just have chosen not to get the actual marriage license. We are content that we decide that we are married. We do not feel someone else should have the right to tell us what we have already committed to each other and what we feel in our hearts. So, as far as we are concerned, our wedding ceremony is coming up soon!

We are both very excited about the upcoming ceremony. The ceremony date is actually our 3 year anniversary for the day we met and began this wonderful journey. The ceremony is scheduled for May 25th, 2010 in Tacoma, Washington at a local Bed and Breakfast! We have worked together to write the entire ceremony including vows to ensure that this is exactly the ceremony we desire.

The majority of the big planning has been completed. We are now in the fine tuning and trying to pay for everything stage. I am working on a web site to show our progress and to showcase our actual love story online. The Aden and Caitlyn Show is being updated daily. There, you can see our story, past, present, and watch us dream for the future. There is much work to be completed on the site. Unfortunately, I was sick most of the past two weeks, so I was not able to get as much done as I would have preferred. I suppose this means I will be working in overdrive this weekend.

We created the invitation after reviewing several invitation design options online. We will be having a very select few printed. Mostly, we prefer to do things online because it is economically and environmentally friendly. We have been working very hard to make everything as environmentally friendly as possible.

Here are the quick facts:

The Place: We are holding the ceremony at a friend's Bed and Breakfast. It is simply beautiful. Her garden area will be candlelit for the ceremony.

Ceremony Colors: White, Black, and Purple

Flowers: Calla Lily's, Gerber daisies, and mini roses

The Dress: The dress is beautiful. We had a list of specific criteria we wanted in the dress and managed to locate it within budget rather quickly. The back of it has a corset closure. Very nice! Now to lose a few pounds before the fitting!

http://www.alfredangelo.com/Collections/ProductDisplay.aspx?style=7041

The Cake:

The cake is going to be white chocolate with a vanilla bean ganache filling. It will be frosted with white fondant and decorated with flowers (we are leaning toward miniature white roses and dark purple calla lillies). Right now we are looking more for something similar to this style:

http://www.alegerea-perfecta.com/images/wedding-cake-horz.jpg

The Cake Topper: The topper shares the whimsy in our relationship, and was immediately chosen by both of us. This topper just makes me giggle with laughter!

http://www.weddingmountain.com/p-6394-funny-sexy-wedding-bride-and-groom-cake-topper-figurine.aspx

The Music:

Each song has been hand selected and approved by both of us. Aden will be compiling everything together for the ceremony over the next few weeks.

The Ceremony:

We have put together our own ceremony including vows. The ceremony itself should last 25-30 mins approximately. Included in our ceremony is a handfasting ceremony, ring exchange, and a rose ceremony. All of the vows for the commitment ceremony have been customized/created by us. There are a few places that are still a bit rough but we are quickly finalizing those important details.

Invited Guests:

We are inviting between 25-50 of our closest friends and family members. We are wanting to keep this a rather small and intimate event.

We are having a professional photographer taking pictures for us. We are actually purchasing all digital copies and will have a hard bound album created. We are currently determining specific poses and photos that we are wanting to make sure are taken during the ceremony and before/afterwards.

We have arranged to spend some time pampering ourselves. We have a massage therapist there early before the ceremony for us, and our friend that owns the B&B is preparing a special lunch for us that day. We are also considering soaking in the jacuzzi before we get dressed. We are hoping to have this day be very peaceful and happy. Kind of goes with our lifestyle which tends to be a drama free zone. We prefer quiet and peaceful living.

Strawberries

2008-06-29T21:32:00.000-07:00

Today I had decided I was going to make strawberry freezer jam. My sweet boyfriend had brought me an entire flat of strawberries (my favorites) and so because I enjoy strawberry freezer jam so much, it was a necessary task for the day.

So I set out to start cutting the strawberries and washing them to make this wonderful treat. As I often do, I was working in the kitchen, had laundry and several other things running while I cut the berries. I was obviously not paying close attention to what I was doing because I ended up preparing 8 cups of strawberries and dumping the sugar for 4 cups of strawberries right into the bowl.

So at this point, I think, well I will just make more jam since I enjoy it so much, no big deal. I end up running to the store, picking up more pectin, coming back home, and finishing up making 4 quarts of strawberry freezer jam. Believe me, 4 quarts of jam is a LOT of jam! I believe maybe just maybe I have made enough strawberry jam to last an entire year. However, it has to be stored in the freezer, and that will be tricky in an apartment because the freezer is smaller than I would prefer. I suppose I will simply have to be a little more careful in my planning when I shop for freezer goods for several months.

I can hardly wait to make some homemade buttermilk biscuits to try out my new treat! Yummy!

Family

2008-06-29T19:49:00.000-07:00

The dictionary defines family as a group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head. Society tends to define family as blood relatives and those related to you by marriage. I have come to a place in my life where I am simply not satisfied with either of those definitions. For me, I have come to believe that my family consists of the people I choose to be my family. Some of my blood relatives are considered family to me, however, others that I am related to by blood I never speak to, and seriously don't intend on catching up with at any point going forward.

Don't get me wrong, there was a time when several of these relatives by blood were involved in my life. However, once we all became adults and moved on with our lives, we no longer were important enough to each other to keep in touch. We really are strangers except by some old memories that from time to time surface-both good and bad memories. When I go to my hometown to visit my parents, many of these relatives by blood know I am there, but choose to not stop by to visit me, even though I had not been to town in several years. After a while, calling to say, hey I am in town did not seem to be on my priority list. I gave up on visiting with them. Apparently we have all moved on with our lives.

After two marriages, I have learned that relationships of family by marriage tend to end with the marriage. Those are simply family that is no more as well. I have learned to move on and find my own way. After doing a great deal of thought and hurting in my heart, I finally came to know what was missing. I wanted family in my life, but my family was no more. So I have created my own network...my own family.

My family is filled with people I choose to be in my life. People that I enjoy talking with, sharing time, and making good memories. My family now is made up of some blood relatives such as my kids, parents, sisters, niece , and my nephews. My family is also made up of really close friends. People I know are there for me and truly care about my well being. They are not just there when it is fun. They are there when I am sad, mad, tired, hungry, and even scared about the silly things in life such as the price of gas at the local pump. My family inspires me and encourages me to be myself and to grow, to be happy and healthy.

So my definition of family is simply this: a family consists of those you love and trust.

Helpful Hints: How to call customer service

2008-06-29T10:02:00.000-07:00

Working in a customer service oriented business can be rewarding, however, there are those calls that come in that cause me to shake my head and wonder how some people manage to get through their daily lives without professional guidance. These same calls can be quite challenging for the customer service representative to say the least.

Don't be a queue jumper. When you call a customer service line, please listen to the prompts and press the correct option. Pressing a different option will route you to a different department which may result in the representative having to transfer you to another area. This can and will generally increase your hold time. Our transferring you to another department will not get you taken care of quicker. You will go to the back of the line and start holding all over again. Instead, be aware, listen, and press the right number option so you can get your issue resolved and go on with your life.
Answer the question. Please wait and simply answer the questions asked for account verification in the beginning of the call. If you babble out everything in a few brief seconds, the customer service representative likely did not memorize everything you just said, was not in your account yet, so the information was not available yet to verify you, and although it is a few quick questions and you feel it is "stupid" to have to identify yourself, we are required to go through this process. I have had people call in and start going through an entire identification process that involved their name, address, phone number, social security number, and mothers maiden name...only for me to ask them for name and phone number-I don't need to know the rest of your information-so why did you just give it out? Do you not care about your private data? Are you so easy to spit out a social security number? Most places will only ask you to verify the last 4 digits to begin with. Do you think that verifying your information in 30 seconds versus 2 minutes will make your issue resolved much quicker? Not really. In the end, as you start rambling on, I will be overloaded with your information while trying to catch it all, get the computer to go where it needs to be and gain some sort of understanding what your issues are (beyond being impatient).
Don't call from the grocery store. Seriously, the loud beeps at the register, the voice over the loud speaker, the kids screaming...it all echoes louder than in person through your cell phone. Calling from the grocery store, pool, restaurant, mall only makes it harder to hear you and resolve your issue. This also causes the representative you are speaking with to have an immediate headache. Imagine how many of these calls a representative will take in a day. Yes, we have to purchase our own headache medicine.
Have your transaction needs ready. Why on earth would you call to make a credit card payment and then have to ask the representative to hold while you run out to your car to get your wallet? Why is the credit card not in your hand ready to make your payment. That IS the reason you called. Be prepared.
Take responsibility. If you are late making your payment, who is to blame? Certainly not the representative you are speaking with. You are the one that was late paying your bill. If your services are now disconnected, you are to blame, not the customer service representative. Take responsibility. We really don't care to hear about the drama and the reasons that you did not pay the bill. Honestly, we just want to take your payment, request service restoration, tell you about any fees that you have to be informed of, and move forward to the next call. The fact that you had to pay for your dogs vet bill and missed a few days at work does not change how the call is handled, it does not change whether or not you have to pay for reconnect fees. We have to handle the call the same regardless.
Don't Bully. Customer service representatives listen to a great deal of verbal abuse in their day. Screaming and swearing and threatening the representative will not help you. It will only hurt you in the end. Do you know that your account history notes are filled with notes such as customer ZYX called in using a wide variety of profanity. He was asked upon several occasions to please refrain from such language and to lower his volume. When the next representative takes your call, these notes are read. Guess what? You just messed up. No one wants to talk to someone who is a jerk and abusive to their friends. so in the end, yes, there are a few special things I could do for you, like maybe lower your monthly rate plan, or fix that annoying little error you have in programming...but you know what? After reading your notes, I really don't care to go that far. Instead, I will simply answer the questions I have to so you will get off of the phone. As far as the calls you make that you are bullying the customer service representative...you will likely get placed in time out during the call. Yes, sure they are checking on something for you and will be right back. Truth be told, they are convincing themselves that they need their jobs and should not tell you what they are really thinking before coming back to the phone to deal with you.

Love Defined

2008-04-01T15:41:00.000-07:00

Love is a deep sense of care and devotion to another person. Love has limits. Love has boundaries. Love can begin. Love can end. Love is not always forever. Love can fade. Love can die. Love can live, but only if both parties work to make it happen. Healthy love takes two people to be effective.

Change is inevitable

2007-10-15T19:34:00.000-07:00

Change is inevitable. No matter what you do in life, things are going to change. Whether they change for the worse or the better, it is really a matter of your frame of reference than a fact. It seems that the way you choose to look at things has a bigger impact on the surrounding situations than the truths that present themselves.

The Dream

2007-09-06T14:40:00.000-07:00

I keep having this dream. It is a dream that from all aspects seems impossible. I wish that impossible things were possible. I wish that dreams could come true. I wish that life did not have to be so difficult. I wish for the dream.

I'm A Big Girl

2007-08-27T21:51:00.000-07:00

Please don't try to save me. Just tell me the truth. If you are walking away, then go ahead and do what you need to do, but don't try to give me shelter. I have been hurt before, and it appears I will be again. Don't try to sugar coat things. I have been to that place in life before.

I am a big girl. I know how to cry. I know how to pick up my pieces and walk with my head held high. I can fake being happy and smile for everyone around until I get my thoughts back together. I don't need someone to protect me from myself. In the end, no one can.

So go on and do what you need to do. But if walking away is what is best for you...then go...I have never wanted anything more for you than for you to be happy. I have never held onto anything that wanted to run. It is not my way.

I wish you joy, happiness...and all those good things in life that we can only hope one day to have in our lives.

I am a big girl...my heart gets broken...but I know I will survive.

Mi Vida Loca!

2007-08-25T17:07:00.000-07:00

Mi Vida Loca! Life around here is crazy and very busy! I am a soon to be divorced woman with three absolutely awesome teens. My kids are my life. Without them, my world would be such an empty place. I am so thankful for the time I share with them. It can be hard, I am currently working two jobs to make the ends meet, but such is life.

I am...

smart, funny, loyal to my friends. I try hard to do the "right" thing, even when sometimes it is hard or gets me hurt. I am filled with courage, determination, and compassion...and I am stronger than I give myself credit for usually.

I love to cook and to make others happy. I absolutely hurt for others when they are going through rough times. It simply breaks my heart to watch someone I care about go through something painful and know there is nothing I can really do to help them or comfort them. I am not very good with those kinds of situations because I feel so utterly useless. If there is something I can "do" I am much better.

I tend to be hard on myself and work towards standards that I know are next to impossible for any mere mortal to attain. This is something I am working on though. I don't know how to simply relax. That is such a foreign concept for me. I keep a mile long to do list and am always racing to finish it. The problem is I keep adding more things to that list...so I fear it is an eternal list that will never totally get crossed off. Sometimes I even have several of them running at the same time. Yes, I do tire myself out.

I am NOT a morning person!

I am addicted to Starbucks!

I am simply in love with smell of vanilla candles and the taste of fresh strawberries dipped in whipped cream!

I love most all music.

I don't care for mean people.

I am not very patient. I tend to want things...HOT fresh and NOW...maybe I should have been a donut!

I usually forgive others rather quickly, but then beat myself up for the small things for ages.

I am super easily amused. Love to laugh. Hate to cry.

Obsessed with my weight--this is apparently a huge issue for me.

Panic attacks are usually a thing saved for bridges and my kids latest dramas. However, I do have them and trust me when I say...I wish I didn't. They are the most miserable things....

I get hurt and bruise easily, I do not have a thick skin I wish I did. I wish I did not get hurt or sad like I do. I am told that time will help me be stronger. I am not so sure about that. I wish I could be stronger within things. I wish I could have more faith in myself. It is not others I don't have faith in...it is me. I don't believe in myself. If something gets quiet or whatever...I tend to believe I am the reason for the silence...that I am the one that has done something wrong. Then I feel I have to "fix" it or say I am sorry or whatever...even though logically I know of nothing I actually did wrong. So out comes the over analyzing of all of my actions, thoughts, feelings, words...trying to figure out what I have said or done that made things the way they are. Yes, I am way too hard on me.

AND..I run away from myself. I don't trust myself to be good enough or wise enough or strong enough...so when I think I might get hurt...I have learned to run. Not that it is what I want to do, but because I am so afraid of getting hurt, of getting burned as I have before that I don't trust myself to know when things are safe. Fight or flight. I am not a fighter. I just want to be happy. I want to live and to love and to enjoy life.

Aren't you glad you asked?

Do Over!

2007-08-22T01:03:00.000-07:00

There are moments in my life I wish I could call for a do over. These moments are the ones in which I have hurt others or caused harm to someone I care about. Unfortunately, there are no do overs in life.

I wish I were not such an open book in so many aspects, too honest with my thoughts, too upfront with what I am thinking. I am going to work on that one. This seems to get me into more trouble than most anything else I do in life. I suppose I just need to learn how to shut up and close off those rooms in my being. Learn to keep my own thoughts to myself, without sharing them with anyone else. It seems that would be the better way in my life.

TIMOTHY: I LOVE YOU! Please call me!

2007-08-21T23:43:00.000-07:00

Tim,

You are and always be my angel. I love you with all of my heart. Please call me as soon as possible. I miss you. We will figure things out together. Please don't get yourself into any more trouble...just call me and we will fix things together. I LOVE YOU! There is nothing that you have done or could ever do that will change that. I LOVE YOU! Please call me. I am worried about you. I love you and I miss you and I need to know you are safe.

Please call me TJ.

Love Always,

Mama

Lessons Apparently Not Learned Well Enough

2007-08-20T18:14:00.000-07:00

How can I manage to go through the life I have and still be so caring and so trusting of those around me? Why do I care about other people so much? I honestly should not care at all. When I care, I get hurt. When I trust, I get hurt. There is a common element here in all of this. I simply need to learn to close off the part of me that truly cares and wants to be a good person. I need to be more like everyone else and simply not give a darn.

I try way too hard to be a good person and in the end it just breaks my heart every time. I am depressed and frustrated and feeling pretty low tonight. And guess what...it is my own fault. In the end I have no one to blame but myself because I allowed myself to trust, to hope, to care, to feel....to try. I need to learn this lesson and just learn to not give a care anymore. Close off my heart and soul to the rest of the planet because this girl was never meant to be loved or cared about for more than a brief moment.

I say this knowing all too well that after a good long cry...I will go back to finding hope and faith regardless of how hard things are...how badly things look...because that is the me in it all. Am I simply someone that is destined to be miserable or other peoples walking door mat for life? Does my heart ever come into play for more than a dart board? I don't understand why I keep letting myself try. I need to simply stop. I need to quit. I need to give up. I need to abandon all hope of happiness so I can at least exist without pain...without hurt.

I just want to run away...away from everyone including myself....I truly wish I could.

Lessons

2007-08-18T22:48:00.000-07:00

Some things in life are not learned the easy way. In life some things must be really engraved into your soul for you to learn them. Unfortunately, those things usually hurt your heart in the process. It is kind of like when my mom told me, don't touch that-it is hot. It will burn you. Of course, one day I decided to touch it anyhow...thinking I was smarter than mom. And then, I finally learned, don't touch it...it is hot, it will burn you. OUCH!

As a woman, I thought I had learned a few lessons the hard way already. I am finding that I still just have not quite learned those lessons. I still keep letting myself go where I have no business going. Feel things I obviously have no business feeling. Hoping for things that will never happen. OUCH! When oh when will I finally just give up on that path and learn the reality of things and how they are meant to be in my life?

My heart is in serious need of locks and metal doors that are incapable of being opened. Oh to be able to not care, to not feel right now would be exactly what I am needing. Why oh why do I have to feel? Why I let myself feel my pain as well as the pain of others around me is beyond my understanding at the moment. Why do I always seem to put other peoples needs above and beyond my own? Why do I continue to care about people who do not want or need me to care about them? Why do I so willingly put myself and my heart in a position to get so hurt...when others don't reciprocate?

Why do I care?
Why do I love?
Why do I keep trying?

When will I quit?
When will I learn to walk away and say that I need to matter too?
When will I learn?

How many times do I have to hurt so deeply before it all clicks with me and I quit trying?

I am Thankful

2007-08-16T22:06:00.001-07:00

I am thankful for you.
I am thankful for your voice on the other end of the line telling me you love me and want to come home. I am thankful that you are healthy and safe. I am thankful that you are trying.

I am thankful that you know I love you with all of my heart. I am thankful that you are my son. I am thankful for every single moment that I have had you in my life...the good times, as well as the difficult times.

I am thankful for you!

For You

2007-08-16T22:06:00.000-07:00

For you I would be there when you need me,
for you, I would never walk away,
for you, I would always believe,
for you, I will always have faith not matter what others might say.

Times are hard and life is not easy,
only you can decide,
choices are yours for the making,
sometimes, I can only be along for the ride.

Believe in yourself and be wise,
go the extra mile,
your heart will guide you were you need to go,
your life is really worth while.

To my son, my life, my dreams...I love you with all that I am. I know that things will work out in the end. Believe in yourself and stay the course. You know what you need to do, you just need to put the pieces of the puzzle together and take action. As you figure things out, remember that you will always find a fan in me...good or bad, I love you unconditionally. You cannot lose your Mama's love my son. I might not always agree with your choices or actions, but I will always believe that the best is within you. I refuse to believe you won't take a stand for yourself...even if it takes you some time to figure things out, I know you will choose right in the end.

Forever your Mama--I love you!

Angels on my team...

2007-07-26T16:57:00.000-07:00

Those who enter into your life when things are hard and bring a smile to your face and hope into your heart...those people are truly sent by angels. Angels on my team, on my side. Smiling faces with strength and encouraging words. They fill a day with jokes and laughter when the day began with tears. They are giving and their friendship seems to know no boundaries...they are just there. Just when I needed them. They are truly angels on my team.

Thank you so much for being my friend! Your friendship means everything to me.

Learning

2007-07-25T15:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes in life you don't get what you want, you don't get what you think you need. Life seems to take twists and turns that really are so far from what had been dreamed of in the initial plan, let alone in the multiple revised editions. These are the times that you learn to be still and quiet and listen.

Listen to the voices deep within yourself. Listen to the voices of those around you that care. Listen to the voices of those around you who really don't. Listen to your heart. Then, you take a deep breath, and you take the next step. Begin a new journey, a new direction, and hope with everything that you are, that the journey will be a worthwhile one with positive and happy moments.

I have learned to recite the prayer of serenity and do so more than once daily. Things do get easier, sometimes...they get harder at the same time. I am learning that the walk is really what makes the difference. I am learning to accept myself for who and what I am, where I am going, and to respect whatever that is, without prejudice, without fear. I am learning to live again.

Don't Bring Me Roses

2007-06-13T18:11:00.000-07:00

Don't bring me roses, they will only die. They represent a mask that is supposed to hide the truth behind the gesture...something that for most is considered a symbol of the most sweet things...love, friendship, care...for me roses are nothing but pain.

Don't waste your money on me...if you want me to know you love me...then show me. Be there for me. Listen to me. Spend time with me. I don't want your money. I don't want your sympathy. I want something true...I want something real. I want something honest and decent. If I cannot have that, then I want nothing at all. Don't make me promises in vain. They only hurt me in the end. I don't need that. I need something real...

A Whole New World

2007-06-11T23:03:00.000-07:00

A few months have passed since my last blogging. So much has happened since that moment, it is hard to know how to even express the gravity of the change that is evolving daily within me. I have learned a great deal about myself. I have learned to be a whole lot more patient. I have learned that it is okay to be happy, and to let dishes sit in the sink for a little while without feeling guilty.

Lessons learned out of necessity, not because they were things ordered upon me or habits I created to try to make life seem less depressing or dry. Instead, learning to live in the here and now...not the past...not the future...but simply living right this second. WOW! What a concept. It is not easy for me to keep this mind set however. I still manage to panick and become overwhelmed at all the things I feel I should be doing. But when I sit back and think about it...so many of the things I worry about, really do not matter at the end of the day. In the end, I have spent a great deal of time stressing over things that no one else on the planet would likely even care about...yet I have such high expectations of myself...that there is no way I can win...at least not until I change.

I have managed to heal myself of several bad habits...I quit smoking, I have quit thinking badly of people just because I am having a bad day. Instead...I force myself to find something good about everyone...yes even the teen at the McDonalds drive through that does not appear to have a clue...there is something nice about her too! :) By doing this, I have found I am more patient and tolerant of others. I am more caring towards myself and forgiving of myself as well. WOW! What a concept there!

I Got A JOB!

2007-05-22T15:07:00.000-07:00

I am so excited! I finally got a job! Now I can rent an apartment and bring my kids back to live with me. I know Mom and Dad will be glad to hear that and so will the kids. The job is in a call center - I have done this kind of work before, so I am not too worried about whether or not I can do it. I am more worried about being able to work 2 jobs, take care of the kids, the house, pay the bills, and move forward.

I have no idea where we are going from here, but at least we will be doing it together!

The Day After

2007-04-28T05:17:00.000-07:00

We stopped in Federal Way last night and got some sleep. Today we will be driving to Grants Pass to see my parents. I hope they are not too disappointed in me for leaving. Failed marriage number 2 for me. Maybe I am not supposed to be married. Maybe I am just not marriage material. I am just a failure. Why couldn't I stop him from drinking? Why do I have to leave? Why am I not good enough anymore?

I am taking the kids to stay wit my Mom and Dad while I find a job. I will miss them, but I don't know where I will be sleeping and I don't want to make them homeless as well. They don't deserve this. I don't have a job. I don't have a place to sleep until I do have a job. What in the world am I going to do?

A Day for Freedom

2007-04-27T09:21:00.000-07:00

Today I am leaving. The house has been packed. His stuff is heading to Kentucky. Mine is heading to Seattle. We have said our goodbyes. Now it is time to finish up a few last things around the rental before the kids and I drive away. This is so hard. I keep asking myself if I am making the right decision. I am so worried about him. I want to know he will be alright. Who will take care of him? Who will help him put everything back together. I have to remember that he needs to be taking care of himself. I have to remind myself that it was never supposed to be my job to take care of him. I have to keep reminding myself that each human being has a responsibility to take care of themselves. Why does this have to be so hard?

I don't want to leave. I don't want to stay and let things continue the way they are. I want him to stop drinking and be the man I married so many years ago. Why can't he just quit drinking? Why can't he agree to get help? Why does he refuse to quit even to keep me? Doesn't he care? Oh this is so hard. My heart is breaking.

A few more hours, and we will leave. Time to suck it up and stick to my plan. This is not time to back out now. Keep walking forward, don't look back.

The Beginning of a Journey

2007-03-26T15:49:00.000-07:00

I started a new job today. It is with a temp agency, so the assignment is temporary. However, it is a good job for me to begin to walk the beginning of this journey. So many new things are happening in my life currently, yet so much of the old is still present, and painful. I am told things take time to heal.

I believe the hardest thing for me to overcome is the fear of the unknown and the battle within myself. I am learning more and more each day that I have forgotten who I am. Forgotten how to laugh, how to smile, how to be happy. I don't know what things truly make me happy anymore. So this journey, more than anything has to focus on finding myself within all of this and remembering to live in the moment, not in the past, and not in the future. Just in the here and now.

So here begins the first stages to a recovery. To finding myself. May this journey be a happy one.

A Little Too Little Too Late

2007-03-24T23:17:00.000-07:00

It is too late to show me that you love me. It is too late to change things. I am glad that you are making positive changes in your life. This will be good for you. This will be good for the kids. I hope that the changes you are making will enable you to live a better and happier life. But it is too late for things to change between us.

I remember begging you to be home. I begged for your attention. I begged for your time. I begged for you to want to spend time with me. I did not seem to ever matter. You never had time for me. I was insignificant for years. I was not important. Talking to me was too stressful. Loving me was too much work. Spending time with me kept you from other things that were too important to wait.

I need to matter. Even if only to myself.
I need to not feel as though I am a waste of time and space.
I need to not feel as though I am an awful inconvenience in life.
I need to feel important. Again, if only to myself, I need this.
I need my opinions to matter.
I need to feel free to have fun.
I need to feel happiness.
I need to not feel trapped in limbo, waiting for the moment that I might be needed or wanted.
I need to not be stressed out all the time.
I need to be able to feel secure in my world.
I need to not worry about whether or not I have said or done the wrong thing yet again.
I need to find myself and learn how to be true to myself.
I need to stop trying to change who and what I am to make someone else happy.

Life is too precious and too short to spend the entire time trying in vain to please someone else for years yet never be able to be happy myself. I can't keep trying. I am all out of the energy it takes to try anymore. I am all out of patience. My virtual bank account has been overdrawn for a very, very long time. I need to find a way to replenish it and live again. I need to be free. Free to just be me.

In The End

2007-03-22T13:28:00.000-07:00

Why? Does it really matter why at this point? I said what I needed to say. This is the end. Is asking over and over why going to make things better or change the way in which the planets orbit within the galaxy? In the end, it is done. Leave me to find myself and some peace in all of this. Quit trying to rewrite my reasons or argue points from several years ago -they really don't matter anymore.

Do I still love you? Does it matter? It's over.

Do I still care? I told you I do, but not in that way anymore. Of course I care. That is why I am walking away. Neither of us deserve to continue this way.

I will regret this decision. Well, possibly, but I have made my decision. Now, please find a way to accept it and move on with your life. You will be fine. I need to be fine too. This just is not working. It has not been working in a long, long time.

I'll be sorry. Yes, I already am. But not in the way you think.

I'm destroying everything. No, we did that. Now I just want to pick up the little bit of self respect I have left and find some way to put myself back together. Your anger does not help me nor does it help you. Move on. Be happy. I do truly hope you can be happy. You were not happy with me.

You are the reason I live. Please go to counseling or something. I should not be the reason you breathe. Live because you have been given the gift of life. There is more to life than a broken relationship. Move on and find happiness within yourself.

You must have found someone else-that is the only reason you would leave me. Nope. Sorry you have such little respect for me. Why blame someone else for what has gone wrong. Please understand, please let me go.

You can't make it on your own. Imagine that. I am incapable of supporting myself? What am I stupid? Am I lazy? Am I mentally challenged? I have been able to make good money in the past. I do have skills. I am a hardworker and have good values. Why am I incapable of supporting myself. Is there something wrong with me? I don't think so. But go ahead and inspire me to prove you wrong. I always love a challenge.

The kids will end up hating you for this. Nice. Thanks for that. I have always been there for the kids. Why would they hate me for trying to be happy? I am not keeping them from seeing you. I am not poisoning their mind against you. Leave the kids out of this, play fair. I am not trying to hurt anyone. I just want to find peace in a very sad situation. Don't do that. It just is not right on so many levels.

You'll never find someone that treats me as good as I have. Perhaps. But who said I ever wanted to be with anyone ever again. Let it go. It is what it is. In the end, I can't do this anymore. Just let me go. Please get over it.

After all I have done for you, this is the way you repay me. Hmmm, I did not know I had a debt to repay. I did not know that love was about keeping score. I did not know that in the end I would need to pay on an account. Was all of this a loan? Love is about give and take. I believe I gave an awful lot. Things just are not working. I'm not going to rehash this.

In the end, its over. The decision has been made. Changes are taking place. Please don't keep trying to make me feel bad. I feel bad enough. Please find some way to save what friendship we have left. I would like to be friends. I don't want to hurt forever. You are only making me have more bad feelings towards you. Play fair please.

What Part of No Don't You Understand

2007-03-21T02:21:00.000-07:00

I am simply amazed at how such a simple word, with such a simple meaning can be so confusing. The word does not carry double means, tends to mean the same thing in multiple languages. Even young children learn the meaning of the word NO and that pushing the issue is not a good thing. So why is it, that I feel as though I have to learn some other language or write a book to explain the word and all that it means? Simply put, no means just that. Nothing else. Don't take any of my time to try to find hidden meanings. No, I am not playing a game. No means no. Don't ask again. Don't try to change my mind. The answer is NO!

Call Me When You're Sober

2007-03-20T12:21:00.000-07:00

I am so tired of the drunk dialed calls.
I am simply exhausted from making excuses for you.
I am tired of living simply to make your world work.
I need to live for me.
I need to exist as more than your fix it person.
I need to be important.
I need to not be afraid.
I need to be loved.
I need to be needed for me, not for my ability to clean up your messes.

I am better than this.
I deserve more.
I want to live.
I am tired of hiding to protect you.

Call me when you are sober...if you ever find your way out of the bottle. I can't wait anymore.

Moving Forward

2007-02-15T01:28:00.000-08:00

Creating a life agenda when all the pieces seem to be misplaced and jumbled around the house seems overwhelming for me. Yet I am moving forward. A housewife for years, only a few marketable skills...the resume is short, hopefully effective. I tested at a local staffing agency, my skills are of good quality-something I was happy to hear.

Self esteem is not always where it should be in times such as these. This little piece of information was able to spring in me a feeling of hope -- hope I have not known in a long time.

So now I wait. Hoping for the call that says I am good enough to enter the workforce...able to move forward. Waiting on someone else in life to open a door for me at a time when I want so badly to open all the doors for myself, I must sit and wait for others to make the path for me.

Patience is a virtue, but I feel as though I have been waiting for things my whole life. I am ready to move forward and take ownership for myself...for my own happiness.

Sorting Through My Life

2007-02-12T19:39:00.000-08:00

In becoming clutter & Chaos free, it has been a long road thus far. I started with decluttering "things" that were keeping the household cluttered. Once I had that part under control, I moved to decluttering and organizing all of the paper items in my life that seemed to stack up and become unbearably frightening. I am nearly complete in that particular challenge. Those Clutter & Chaos items seem like nothing compared to trying to find organization in my every day life.

For the past several years, I have challenged myself to try harder, to work harder, to give more of myself, and to get it together. Then it dawned on me. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I give of myself, some things simply are beyond my control...or at least only to an extent. I can choose to remain stressed and unhappy, living the life I am living....or I can push forward into the unknown and create a new life for myself that is one of my choosing. One of peace and harmony. One of happiness and laughter.

Fear of the unknown is an overwhelming and can be potentially disabling, or at least it has been for me. Taking the steps needed to get past the fears and the every day traps of life is a fear that has kept me paralyzed in place, afraid to change, afraid to hope, afraid to dream. But somehow, I continued to hope, dream, and want. The difference happens, when the hopes, dreams, and desire outweigh the fear, and empowerment takes over. This is where I am currently standing. In the void between two completely different worlds. The one I am leaving, and the one I am slowly walking towards.

Many emotions fill my thoughts as I begin making these steps. Fear, excitement, anticipation of things to come. One thing is for sure, I am slowly but surely starting to walk towards the lighthouse that has always been there. Waiting. Things will be different. But for now, the differences are yet to be written. Only time and patience will tell what awaits me on the other side. I hope it is the stuff my dreams have been made of.

Taking a Personal Inventory

2007-02-10T02:49:00.000-08:00

Things that make me Happy

My children's laughter
A hug from my children
Hearing those precious, perfectly wonderful words, "I love you Mom"
Flowers (daisies, Gerber daisies, field flowers or wild flowers)
Birds and their songs
Stories of inspiration and motivation
Selfless acts & Human Kindness
The beach
Lighthouses
Old movies
A fire
Waking up to the sun peering through my bedroom window
A clean house
Reading books
Making stuff, creating, being creative
Accomplishing something very challenging
Smells of vanilla, cinnamon, and strawberries

My description of a fun day

A fun day for me would not involve spending a great deal of money. Instead, a picnic at the beach, visiting a lighthouse, flying a kite, walking in the sand barefoot, playing in the waves, watching the sun set above the water, exploring artisans or street vendors goods.

The simple things in life seem to be much more appealing to me rather than the things that cost money like going out to an expensive restaurant or movie. The simple things seem to be more satisfying in the end for me.

I want to be...

Happy
At peace
Calm
Relaxed
On time
Organized
Helpful, yet not a door mat
Liked
A friend
Known/remembered in a good way
Active
Challenged
Busy, yet have time for balance, relaxation, and reflection
Involved in good works -- doing for others
Successful
Financially comfortable, but not wealthy! Just comfortable. I don't want to worry about making rent or buying the groceries, but I don't want to have much more than my needs---just enough to occasionally fulfill a want for a loved one or even myself.

I Don't Wanna be...

Sad
Angry
Depressed
Tired all the time
Flat broke
Negative
Boring
Predictable
Hated
Stuck at home
A failure
Friendless
Uncreative
Uninspired
Disliked
Ordinary
Lifeless
Lonely
Controlled
Scared
Stuck living in the past
Afraid to live

Living With A Full Heart

2007-02-10T01:08:00.000-08:00

In reading this passage from the internet, I found myself. I realized that this was talking about me. I go through the motions, but I am not "there". I need to move forward and take care of me. I can't keep living like this. It is time to let go....but I don't want to leave. I love him. I hate that he can't just quit drinking. I hate that I have to choose. This is so unfair.

When one is too hurt one cannot see others' pain, is too blind with one's own.
When one has many weights to lift, one cannot enjoy life.
When one has many expectations, one cannot be patient with others.
When one has fear, one cannot enjoy life.
When one does not give, one is making the heart lonely.
When one does not take, one is making the heart feel inferior
When one does not hope, one is shutting oneself into a tight closet.
But when one does not love, one is killing one's self.
(written by 12-year old Olivia, Berkeley, California, 2/12/02)

Job Hunting Blues

2007-01-22T05:12:00.000-08:00

It is early in the morning and the rest of the house is still asleep. I have been up job hunting for a few hours already. I guess my hope is that if my resume is received super early in the morning, that it will be one of the first an HR Manager will open today. I know it sounds crazy, but it might work...right?

As I submit all of these resumes and applications, life seems hopeless at times. So many resumes have been submitted, yet I have not received any replies. I know it takes time to have someone offer you an interview, but this process is so scary for me.

I know I need to find a job so the children and I can be okay. I need to be able to support us. Rent here in Spokane is so expensive. I am just hoping I am making the right decision. What if I am not strong enough, smart enough...to be able to manage things on my own. What if I fail? How will I be able to take care of the kids on my own?

Well, here's hoping I will find something soon! I am off to submit more resumes and to call the temp agencies to set up an appointment.

Random Quotes

2007-01-12T23:52:00.000-08:00

I found these quotes while reading online about marriage, love, alcoholism, relationships, and divorce. I wish life did not need to be so complicated. I don't want to have to make these choices. This is too hard!

How empty of me, To be so full of him
- Janet Jackson

"It is not in the stars to hold our destiny, but in ourselves"
- Shakespeare

Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage
- Dr. Karl Bowman

You love me so much, You want to put me in your pocket. And I should die there smothered. - D.H. Lawrence

Indulge no more may we
In this sweet-bitter pastime
The love light shines the last time
Between you, Dear, and me.

Though fervent was our vow
Though ruddily ran our pleasure
Bliss has fulfilled its measure
And sees its sentence now.

Ache deep; but make no moans:
Smile out; but stilly suffer:
The paths of love are rougher
Than thoroughfares of stones.

- Thomas Hardy (1840-1928)

After A While

2007-01-12T23:26:00.000-08:00

I found this while looking for answers and decided to share it here with appropriate attributes to the author. This has really touched me a lot and I read it often. It helps keep me focused and remember that I did not choose this by myself.

I have to move forward to protect myself and my children.
I must move forward to stop enabling him.
I must learn to simply be me without living to protect him from himself.
I deserve to exist as an individual, not as simply an extension of him.
I deserve to be safe.
I deserve to live in an alcohol and drug-free environment.
I deserve to be happy again.

After A While

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn ...

-Veronica A. Shoffstall

**If you have a loved one that is addicted to alcohol, please help them get help. In the process, please remember that you are also important. Get help for yourself and leave if you must to make it happen. You are not responsible for the choices that another person makes. You can only be responsible for your own choices.

I am still trying to take that step. I can only hope I will be strong enough to talk away. My children and I deserve to be able to live without fear.